Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 109 "Chapter Dreiunddreissig part eins"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
18 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Some nice back and forth between Shana & Drew in this instalment as plans move ahead for the move.
"You hungry, little buddy? It's Malachi's feeding time," She shut the computer. - you could end the dialogue here with a period rather than a comma.
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2019
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Hi there,
Some nice back and forth between Shana & Drew in this instalment as plans move ahead for the move.
"You hungry, little buddy? It's Malachi's feeding time," She shut the computer. - you could end the dialogue here with a period rather than a comma.
Comment Written 14-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 20-Jan-2019
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I made the correction. I knew better too. Thank you.
Comment from rtobaygo
Good morning, Barbara
Enjoyed the continuation. Some how you managed to take a dire situation -- being hunted by Kuznetsov -- and create a scene where Anderson's and his crews' thoughts focused on french toast and later on, 'the 'kitten.' Loved the ending where Shana asks Drew if he would object if her bedroom was closer to his.
Take care and stay safe,
Ray
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2019
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Good morning, Barbara
Enjoyed the continuation. Some how you managed to take a dire situation -- being hunted by Kuznetsov -- and create a scene where Anderson's and his crews' thoughts focused on french toast and later on, 'the 'kitten.' Loved the ending where Shana asks Drew if he would object if her bedroom was closer to his.
Take care and stay safe,
Ray
Comment Written 01-Jan-2019
reply by the author on 02-Jan-2019
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from SLMorrical
This is wonderful and flows from the last post. I think your post are wonderful and if anyone has a problem with how you post, then they can just deal with it. I am beginning to wonder if Anderson and Shauna get married they are obviously into each other. I also think Anderson is going to get the picture for her. This is very good. I look forward to the next post.
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2018
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This is wonderful and flows from the last post. I think your post are wonderful and if anyone has a problem with how you post, then they can just deal with it. I am beginning to wonder if Anderson and Shauna get married they are obviously into each other. I also think Anderson is going to get the picture for her. This is very good. I look forward to the next post.
Comment Written 31-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2018
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from WryWriter
Excellent job of bringing characters to life. The story paragraphs transition well. As to pacing, the story seems to drag too long discussing bedrooms. Maybe throw in a red herring in this chapter to break up the monotony of bedroom placement. I liked the big cliff hanger at the end. Some other suggestions for your consideration:
"After Jeff entered, Anderson continued" (Telling, distracts reader. How about: Seeing Jeff enter, Anderson continued)
"After a few sips of coffee, he leaned against the counter." (Telling) (Sipping his coffee, he leaned against the counter.)
"I like it, a lot." (Short sentence, no need for comma.)
"There are seven of us who need bedrooms(.) (S)o we'll have three left over for guest rooms."
"Jeff took a drink of coffee and (then) got up to refill his cup." OR: Jeff took a drink of coffee(,) (then) got up to refill his cup.
"Should you, Emily, and Jane be close?" (Should you, Emily and Jane be close?")
"You, Jeff (omit ,) and Philip"
(")Good question." Anderson's eyebrows rose. "Jeff, any idea?"
"snapped a picture, and laughed." (snapped a picture, then laughed.)
"He reclaimed his phone." (Telling)
"After the news was caught up on," (Telling) (After catching up on the news, Anderson saw Michael walk in.)
"Nothing so pretty ever sat at my desk before." (Nothing so pretty ever sat before at my desk.)
"Then he addressed his parents." (Telling) (Turning towards his parents, he said,)
"She petted it's head. "You hungry, little buddy? It's Malachi's feeding time," Shana shut the computer." (Got lost as to who 'she' was-reverse noun and pronoun.) [Shana petted its (no apostrophe) head. "You hungry, little buddy? It's Malachi's feeding time(.)" She shut the computer.]
"She picked up the kitten and headed for the kitchen." (Telling) (Picking up the kitten, she headed for the kitchen.)
"Susan followed. "I'll come with you" (Telling) ("I'll come with you," said Susan.)
"Susan reached over and petted the kitten." (Put at beginning of paragraph)
"Sound doesn't travel well in the house, but it did travel." (but it does travel.)
"and a king-size(d) bed in mine,"
The artwork made me hungry! Again, your realistic dialogue brings your characters to life. Great job on that!
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2018
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Excellent job of bringing characters to life. The story paragraphs transition well. As to pacing, the story seems to drag too long discussing bedrooms. Maybe throw in a red herring in this chapter to break up the monotony of bedroom placement. I liked the big cliff hanger at the end. Some other suggestions for your consideration:
"After Jeff entered, Anderson continued" (Telling, distracts reader. How about: Seeing Jeff enter, Anderson continued)
"After a few sips of coffee, he leaned against the counter." (Telling) (Sipping his coffee, he leaned against the counter.)
"I like it, a lot." (Short sentence, no need for comma.)
"There are seven of us who need bedrooms(.) (S)o we'll have three left over for guest rooms."
"Jeff took a drink of coffee and (then) got up to refill his cup." OR: Jeff took a drink of coffee(,) (then) got up to refill his cup.
"Should you, Emily, and Jane be close?" (Should you, Emily and Jane be close?")
"You, Jeff (omit ,) and Philip"
(")Good question." Anderson's eyebrows rose. "Jeff, any idea?"
"snapped a picture, and laughed." (snapped a picture, then laughed.)
"He reclaimed his phone." (Telling)
"After the news was caught up on," (Telling) (After catching up on the news, Anderson saw Michael walk in.)
"Nothing so pretty ever sat at my desk before." (Nothing so pretty ever sat before at my desk.)
"Then he addressed his parents." (Telling) (Turning towards his parents, he said,)
"She petted it's head. "You hungry, little buddy? It's Malachi's feeding time," Shana shut the computer." (Got lost as to who 'she' was-reverse noun and pronoun.) [Shana petted its (no apostrophe) head. "You hungry, little buddy? It's Malachi's feeding time(.)" She shut the computer.]
"She picked up the kitten and headed for the kitchen." (Telling) (Picking up the kitten, she headed for the kitchen.)
"Susan followed. "I'll come with you" (Telling) ("I'll come with you," said Susan.)
"Susan reached over and petted the kitten." (Put at beginning of paragraph)
"Sound doesn't travel well in the house, but it did travel." (but it does travel.)
"and a king-size(d) bed in mine,"
The artwork made me hungry! Again, your realistic dialogue brings your characters to life. Great job on that!
Comment Written 31-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2018
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I made some of the suggested changes but not all of them because of the following guidance. I do appreciate the help.
On page 2 of Strunk and White's 'Elements of Style' it states a series should be written 'blue, yellow, and red.; I'm not changing my series.
Guidance on using words with 'ing' endings "The biggest problem with the progressive in manuscripts that I see is that it?s used too often, especially when the simple present or simple past should be used instead". & "Want to add instantaneous strength to your novel? Cut out verbs ending in ?ing.? These verbs weaken your writing and reduce the reader?s perception of immediacy. So avoiding these verbs can increase tension and improve flow."
Comment from Teresa Alford
The potential for a good story is here. The characters appear to have been well developed. One thing that stands out to me, is the talk about room assignments. Reading talk of this just seemed like filler, unless it takes on significance later in the story. The same can be said of the appearance and talk about the kitten. If the cat doesn't have much significance in the story, then you might consider down-playing the cat. If seems there have been some interesting twists in the story with, hopefully, more to come.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2018
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The potential for a good story is here. The characters appear to have been well developed. One thing that stands out to me, is the talk about room assignments. Reading talk of this just seemed like filler, unless it takes on significance later in the story. The same can be said of the appearance and talk about the kitten. If the cat doesn't have much significance in the story, then you might consider down-playing the cat. If seems there have been some interesting twists in the story with, hopefully, more to come.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 30-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2018
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This is the end of the story and the bedroom placement is very serious to the plot. I'm sorry you came in late and didn't know that, but I'm not sure I deserve to be penalized that you'e missed about 80,000 words. The kitten important too.
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Wonderful. I thought it probably was significant elsewhere in the story, which is why I wrote my critique as I did. Keep up the good work.
Comment from apky
This was another domestic chapter but you have made the indoor scenes move along at an increased pace, putting a lot of different situations into effect: the house being finished and decorated, the FBI having plans, Drew getting a bit bolder with Shana.
Excellent, with no spags at all.
Something you may want to take into consideration is how you build tension, and then fulfill them for the reader. See how, in the last chapter, you build tension in the last few lines. Very strong tension that would make the reader turn the page or read that next chapter. But what does the reader find when they turn the page? It is the next day and Drew is making breakfast. I think you can see the reader going, Huh?
Try reading it allowed to yourself as I've pasted below for you:
"Okay. I'll leave the computer on the desk. Help yourself to it. I won't be much longer. I'll be there in a few minutes."
Jeff and Zachery stared at Anderson.
"That didn't sound right, did it?" Anderson avoided their stares.
Early the following morning, Shana rushed into the kitchen but found Anderson already cooking. "Darn, I had planned on making breakfast."
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2018
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This was another domestic chapter but you have made the indoor scenes move along at an increased pace, putting a lot of different situations into effect: the house being finished and decorated, the FBI having plans, Drew getting a bit bolder with Shana.
Excellent, with no spags at all.
Something you may want to take into consideration is how you build tension, and then fulfill them for the reader. See how, in the last chapter, you build tension in the last few lines. Very strong tension that would make the reader turn the page or read that next chapter. But what does the reader find when they turn the page? It is the next day and Drew is making breakfast. I think you can see the reader going, Huh?
Try reading it allowed to yourself as I've pasted below for you:
"Okay. I'll leave the computer on the desk. Help yourself to it. I won't be much longer. I'll be there in a few minutes."
Jeff and Zachery stared at Anderson.
"That didn't sound right, did it?" Anderson avoided their stares.
Early the following morning, Shana rushed into the kitchen but found Anderson already cooking. "Darn, I had planned on making breakfast."
Comment Written 30-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2018
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I will see what I can do about that. I see what you mean. Thank you for pointing it out.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
If Shana's dad is okay with Drew sharing a bedroom with her (twin beds, but still!) then he has already come around, and I think she's just imaging things now. Why is she really fighting Drew?
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2018
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If Shana's dad is okay with Drew sharing a bedroom with her (twin beds, but still!) then he has already come around, and I think she's just imaging things now. Why is she really fighting Drew?
Comment Written 30-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2018
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Her dad doesn't know about the twin beds in same room. He would NOT approve. Thank you for the kind review.
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MIght he not open the door to see the room? It's a newly decorated house, after all.
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Shana's dad is in Illinois, Shana and Drew are in Texas.
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Oh... so only Susan is with them. I take it she doesn't care at all about Shana and Drew being a couple. Good to have the mother on your side! Surely she can influence her husband. :)
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi, Barbara,
So glad you got to spend Christmas with your youngest son's family. How wonderful.
I loved this chapter and I'm so glad Drew has finally started to talk about the 'future.' Can't wait to see what happens next,
~Mustang Patty~
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2018
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Hi, Barbara,
So glad you got to spend Christmas with your youngest son's family. How wonderful.
I loved this chapter and I'm so glad Drew has finally started to talk about the 'future.' Can't wait to see what happens next,
~Mustang Patty~
Comment Written 29-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 30-Dec-2018
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I can't wait either. LOL Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Sasha
This was a fun, laid back chapter. Drew is definitely encouraging. I am beginning to wonder if and when Shana is gong to stop fighting Drews's advances....soon I hope.
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2018
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This was a fun, laid back chapter. Drew is definitely encouraging. I am beginning to wonder if and when Shana is gong to stop fighting Drews's advances....soon I hope.
Comment Written 29-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2018
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Shana does stop, but when? Will it be too late? Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from tfawcus
A nicely paced domestic scene in this chapter. Plenty of things going on in the background and plans being made. Whilst kittens and french toast don't move the action along, they do help to reinforce character, through the dialogue that you have chosen.
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2018
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A nicely paced domestic scene in this chapter. Plenty of things going on in the background and plans being made. Whilst kittens and french toast don't move the action along, they do help to reinforce character, through the dialogue that you have chosen.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2018
reply by the author on 29-Dec-2018
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Thank you for the kind review.