Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 73 "Chapter Zweiundzwanzig part zwei"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
26 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Barbara,
As always, your chapters are concise and well-written. Though this is the first of this story I have read (sorry! been off-site a while) I picked right up and could understand exactly what was going on, which is a true talent a lot of writers do not have. Kudos!
Unfortunately - Though I am coming in rather late to the party -- chapter seventy-something, after all -- *smile* -- I did see some things I thought I might need to mention? I hope you'll permit me to share my thoughts...
Specific:
1.) Is yours too dirty or you forgot where you parked it last night(?)"
2.) released a deep breath as they drove into the driveway.
--> 'drive' x 2 -- perhaps:
--> as they reached the driveway?
Generic:
1.) I noticed that there isn't a lot of what I call 'grounding' in your post. There is no description of any location whatsoever - no mention of trees or buildings whizzing past while they are in the car, for example.
Instead, we have one of the brothers opening the door to a car and then they pull into a driveway -- poof! Like magic~!
We have no idea of what the characters are wearing or doing (other than Shana biting her lip once.)
When we arrive at the house, it's a complete unknown. The new characters and the bedroom and living room(?) are unknowns. There may be a reason for your approach, and if so, excuse me entirely, but if not, I think your reader is going to be having a hard time imagining your scenes. Just a thought. You are welcome to ignore, of course. *smile*
Thanks so much! Have a super day!
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reply by the author on 21-Apr-2018
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Barbara,
As always, your chapters are concise and well-written. Though this is the first of this story I have read (sorry! been off-site a while) I picked right up and could understand exactly what was going on, which is a true talent a lot of writers do not have. Kudos!
Unfortunately - Though I am coming in rather late to the party -- chapter seventy-something, after all -- *smile* -- I did see some things I thought I might need to mention? I hope you'll permit me to share my thoughts...
Specific:
1.) Is yours too dirty or you forgot where you parked it last night(?)"
2.) released a deep breath as they drove into the driveway.
--> 'drive' x 2 -- perhaps:
--> as they reached the driveway?
Generic:
1.) I noticed that there isn't a lot of what I call 'grounding' in your post. There is no description of any location whatsoever - no mention of trees or buildings whizzing past while they are in the car, for example.
Instead, we have one of the brothers opening the door to a car and then they pull into a driveway -- poof! Like magic~!
We have no idea of what the characters are wearing or doing (other than Shana biting her lip once.)
When we arrive at the house, it's a complete unknown. The new characters and the bedroom and living room(?) are unknowns. There may be a reason for your approach, and if so, excuse me entirely, but if not, I think your reader is going to be having a hard time imagining your scenes. Just a thought. You are welcome to ignore, of course. *smile*
Thanks so much! Have a super day!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 21-Apr-2018
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Sorry for the late reply to this review, but I needed to time to compare it to my post and make appropriate corrections. I'm surprised you're the only person who noticed the late of a question mark. I have corrected that. I changed the drove to turned into.
Okay, now for the generic. I don't like reading a lot of extra descriptions that some writers use. I actually skip that part and go on to the important stuff, so I don't write that way. As for the new characters, earlier Anderson described his parents to Shana, so the reader does have an understanding of them.
Comment from Lloyd T. Okoko
The character outlay comprises Anderson, Shana, Zachery, Michael and Susan.
The setting is partly in an aircraft, Zachery's car, and Michaels villa.
The scenario is in the main on the incursions of the Russian mafia on Anderson's business enclave and the seeming silence of Shana before Michael and Susan.
The work constitutes a significant commentary on an enclave predominated by casanova lovers.
Excellent work! Keep the flag flying!
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2018
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The character outlay comprises Anderson, Shana, Zachery, Michael and Susan.
The setting is partly in an aircraft, Zachery's car, and Michaels villa.
The scenario is in the main on the incursions of the Russian mafia on Anderson's business enclave and the seeming silence of Shana before Michael and Susan.
The work constitutes a significant commentary on an enclave predominated by casanova lovers.
Excellent work! Keep the flag flying!
Comment Written 19-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2018
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Thank you for the kind review.
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Remain Blessed!
Comment from Writingfundimension
This glimpse into Drew's family dynamics is very interesting and well-timed. They, apparently, are far removed from the more formal way she was brought up which might give her even greater pause for involving herself further with Drew. Just a thought!
:) Bev
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2018
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This glimpse into Drew's family dynamics is very interesting and well-timed. They, apparently, are far removed from the more formal way she was brought up which might give her even greater pause for involving herself further with Drew. Just a thought!
:) Bev
Comment Written 19-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2018
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Thank you for the generous review.
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You're welcome, Barbara. :) Bev
Comment from Artasylum
Hello Barbara...
"I need to reassure her. Anderson reached across the seat and touched Shana's arm. "Don't worry. Everything's going to be fine."
Why do people say that... it is a doomed phrase. Good Read, Colors, compelling read. thanks barbara and i'm enjoying your series. Yours, di
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2018
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Hello Barbara...
"I need to reassure her. Anderson reached across the seat and touched Shana's arm. "Don't worry. Everything's going to be fine."
Why do people say that... it is a doomed phrase. Good Read, Colors, compelling read. thanks barbara and i'm enjoying your series. Yours, di
Comment Written 17-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2018
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Beck Fenton
I love the journey I on with Drew and Shana with you at the helm. Great banter, good descriptions and a wild ride make this story top-notch reading. I can never wait long for the next bit so I'm cracking the gentle-but-effective whip!
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2018
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I love the journey I on with Drew and Shana with you at the helm. Great banter, good descriptions and a wild ride make this story top-notch reading. I can never wait long for the next bit so I'm cracking the gentle-but-effective whip!
Comment Written 17-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2018
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LOL Thank you for the fun review.
Comment from Ben Colder
Amazing how a painting can create such a romantic story . Now we have the Texas Oil Guerue involved. Should make a good twist of things before hearing wedding bells. Well done Author.
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2018
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Amazing how a painting can create such a romantic story . Now we have the Texas Oil Guerue involved. Should make a good twist of things before hearing wedding bells. Well done Author.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 17-Apr-2018
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Thank you for the generous review.
Comment from Harry Smith
I really like the picture which complimented the chapter that is very well written with lots and lots of imagery and the reader really liked and will be back to read more.
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2018
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I really like the picture which complimented the chapter that is very well written with lots and lots of imagery and the reader really liked and will be back to read more.
Comment Written 16-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2018
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Thanks for sharing another fine chapter, and what a great job you do with creating very distinct personalities for your characters. Now you've managed to include members of both families in the story. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2018
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Thanks for sharing another fine chapter, and what a great job you do with creating very distinct personalities for your characters. Now you've managed to include members of both families in the story. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 16-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2018
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Rasmine
Barbara, :)
Hello. Good chapter. I like the personalities you gave them. Your writing is good. I can't wait for the next.
Have a great week.
Nome
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2018
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Barbara, :)
Hello. Good chapter. I like the personalities you gave them. Your writing is good. I can't wait for the next.
Have a great week.
Nome
Comment Written 16-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2018
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Thank you for the encouraging review.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I can quite understand Shana's confusion walking into a family like that. Coming from a quiet family it can be quite overwhelming. After Shana's story has been told, I'm sure that the whole family will be wanting to protect her. Another excellent part, my friend. Well done. :) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2018
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I can quite understand Shana's confusion walking into a family like that. Coming from a quiet family it can be quite overwhelming. After Shana's story has been told, I'm sure that the whole family will be wanting to protect her. Another excellent part, my friend. Well done. :) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 16-Apr-2018
reply by the author on 16-Apr-2018
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Thank you for the kind review.