Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 66 "Chapter Zwanzig part drei"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
24 total reviews
Comment from Writingfundimension
Bravo, Barbara
Very nice pacing and great action in this chapter. The writing put me right in the thick of things. You kept the dialogue minimal, as I would expect in this kind of situation, and it sounded real. You sure know your guns!
:) Bev
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2018
  |
Bravo, Barbara
Very nice pacing and great action in this chapter. The writing put me right in the thick of things. You kept the dialogue minimal, as I would expect in this kind of situation, and it sounded real. You sure know your guns!
:) Bev
Comment Written 01-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2018
-
I research a lot. LOL I don't allow a gun in my house and my husband is retired military. Thank you for the kind review.
-
You're welcome, Barbara. I've never owned, let alone, shot a gun. So, I have to do research as well LoL.
Comment from giraffmang
Anderson stood off-to-the side - not sure you need the hyphenation here.
I'm sure it's them, but...,"- you don't need the comma when using the ellipsis.
Marc studied the gun. "Nice, but do you know how to use it?"
Jeff had called to give Marc instructions and commented, "Yes, he knows how to use it." He chuckled.- if Marc only looked the gun and didn't mention it, how could Jeff know that was what he was referring to?
Good choice to stay tight in Anderson's pov during the 'invasion'. Nice tension.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2018
 |
Anderson stood off-to-the side - not sure you need the hyphenation here.
I'm sure it's them, but...,"- you don't need the comma when using the ellipsis.
Marc studied the gun. "Nice, but do you know how to use it?"
Jeff had called to give Marc instructions and commented, "Yes, he knows how to use it." He chuckled.- if Marc only looked the gun and didn't mention it, how could Jeff know that was what he was referring to?
Good choice to stay tight in Anderson's pov during the 'invasion'. Nice tension.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2018
-
I have made the corrections. Another reviewer pointed out a shadow couldn't really hit the ground so I rewrote that too. I really appreciate your help.
Comment from Beck Fenton
It's difficult sometimes to come into one chapter in a novel, but you filled me in enough to pick right up into the action without knowing all the facts. I'll be watching for more.
Anderson is certainly a great character. Reminds me of Roarke in J.D. Robb's books.
Thanks for a good chapter.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2018
|
It's difficult sometimes to come into one chapter in a novel, but you filled me in enough to pick right up into the action without knowing all the facts. I'll be watching for more.
Anderson is certainly a great character. Reminds me of Roarke in J.D. Robb's books.
Thanks for a good chapter.
Comment Written 28-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2018
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from mbroyles2
I like the introduction of action.
All good novels should have at least a little.
Of course, I'm an action junkie.
So I'll offer a little something I do when offering action in my stories.
I paint the scene with sights, sounds, emotion. What is the hero feeling? Is he calm, nervous, anxious, sweating.
You're doing an excellent job.
Michael
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2018
|
I like the introduction of action.
All good novels should have at least a little.
Of course, I'm an action junkie.
So I'll offer a little something I do when offering action in my stories.
I paint the scene with sights, sounds, emotion. What is the hero feeling? Is he calm, nervous, anxious, sweating.
You're doing an excellent job.
Michael
Comment Written 27-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2018
-
I am going to rewrite that section. I just hope I don't make it worse. LOl
Comment from Ben Colder
wow This is full of good drama. You hooked me into a good fight and my spirits were rising. Glad the girl is safe. Nothing new for Chicago .Keep it rolling. Well done.
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2018
|
wow This is full of good drama. You hooked me into a good fight and my spirits were rising. Glad the girl is safe. Nothing new for Chicago .Keep it rolling. Well done.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 28-Feb-2018
-
True Chicago is a dangerous city. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from apky
You had a good go at the action. I could almost feel the tension.
But you need to work on credibility. Nobody shoots a "shadow" which falls and then he simply steps over it without know who on earth he juust short. That's not the normal human reaction. What if he just shot one of his own?
"Surly(Surely?) they wouldn't attack here.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2018
|
You had a good go at the action. I could almost feel the tension.
But you need to work on credibility. Nobody shoots a "shadow" which falls and then he simply steps over it without know who on earth he juust short. That's not the normal human reaction. What if he just shot one of his own?
"Surly(Surely?) they wouldn't attack here.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2018
-
My active duty friends and retired friends had no issue about that area. I will recheck with each one of them to make sure. I will fix the other area.
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi, Barbara;
I think you did a great job with this. The action didn't feel forced, and I wasn't bogged down with too many details.
I feel so sorry for Shana - it doesn't seem possible that she has had to endure all of this for a painting -- I'm beginning to suspect there is much more to it,
~patty~
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2018
|
Hi, Barbara;
I think you did a great job with this. The action didn't feel forced, and I wasn't bogged down with too many details.
I feel so sorry for Shana - it doesn't seem possible that she has had to endure all of this for a painting -- I'm beginning to suspect there is much more to it,
~patty~
Comment Written 27-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2018
-
We will have to wait and see. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Rasmine
Hello, Barbara, :)
Good chapter. The action scene is awesome. I don't know what else to say except this is very good.
I found one typo:
It's definitely only your building and it looks suspicious but I haven't been able (to) verify anything, yet.
:D
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2018
|
Hello, Barbara, :)
Good chapter. The action scene is awesome. I don't know what else to say except this is very good.
I found one typo:
It's definitely only your building and it looks suspicious but I haven't been able (to) verify anything, yet.
:D
Comment Written 27-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2018
-
I just made the correction. Thank you for the catch.
Comment from charlene7190
Your writing is impeccable and I am going to pay more attention to your technical side as I am trying to write a book but have no serious experience. I cannot find one thing that needs correcting but, of course I'm the student, you are the teacher.
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2018
|
Your writing is impeccable and I am going to pay more attention to your technical side as I am trying to write a book but have no serious experience. I cannot find one thing that needs correcting but, of course I'm the student, you are the teacher.
Comment Written 27-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 27-Feb-2018
-
LOl Thank you for the encouragement. I appreciate it.
Comment from robina1978
I loved the photo of the lounge condo that complements your chapter very well. I thought I read your work before. But I don't think I have. I did not see mistakes. No changes needed. Nice balance between dialogue and narrative. Congratulations on publishing.
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2018
|
I loved the photo of the lounge condo that complements your chapter very well. I thought I read your work before. But I don't think I have. I did not see mistakes. No changes needed. Nice balance between dialogue and narrative. Congratulations on publishing.
Comment Written 26-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2018
-
Thank you for the kind review.