New York's Best: the NYDOE
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "NYCDoHD Spells Jobs"A Musical in One Act
26 total reviews
Comment from prettybluebirds
I have read the previous chapters of this story, and this one is as good as the others. I am following the story to see where you are going with it. Nicely done.
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2022
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I have read the previous chapters of this story, and this one is as good as the others. I am following the story to see where you are going with it. Nicely done.
Comment Written 09-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2022
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I'm so glad to have you continue on with me. I'm pleased to tell you your review is the one to push me over into ATB. Thank you so much!
Jay
Comment from Mario PIERRE
Great script!!! Very well written with a refined and pleasant tone, the pace is excellent and quite interesting to follow. I thoroughly enjoyed it. On a purely technical point of view,
I would have broken down Mr Zachary'a tirade ( After Mr. Kincade asks: "are we back on that again?"), by maybe two "one word" interventions, just to attenuate the volume of information dispensed - I'm thinking in terms of an audience listening to it and trying to assimilate...just a humble opinion of a novice.
Beautiful work.
PS; I would have preferred the adverb 'unquenchingly' in lieu of 'unquenchably'... IDK, it seems to flow better as I read aloud the whole sentence.
Thank you for sharing this gem!!
Mario
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2022
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Great script!!! Very well written with a refined and pleasant tone, the pace is excellent and quite interesting to follow. I thoroughly enjoyed it. On a purely technical point of view,
I would have broken down Mr Zachary'a tirade ( After Mr. Kincade asks: "are we back on that again?"), by maybe two "one word" interventions, just to attenuate the volume of information dispensed - I'm thinking in terms of an audience listening to it and trying to assimilate...just a humble opinion of a novice.
Beautiful work.
PS; I would have preferred the adverb 'unquenchingly' in lieu of 'unquenchably'... IDK, it seems to flow better as I read aloud the whole sentence.
Thank you for sharing this gem!!
Mario
Comment Written 09-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 09-Dec-2022
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Mario, this is a brilliant review! Thank you. I shall check on the flow with "unquenchingly", and also the pacing after "are we back on that again?" I won't forget you that you read this for virtually nada! Thank you, thank you!
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My pleasure!!it was a really good read!!! Maybe you could put the whole scene in paper binding together. I'd love to get to read the whole act
Comment from nomi338
To put it as mildly as I am able, ZACHARY is a piece of work. MR. KINCADE is a much put upon saint. He is trapped by Zachary's gypsy soul, He is ensnared just as securely as a fly trapped in a spider's web. He wants to escape, but he cannot. In like manner, I want the scene to eventually end, but when it does, I want more. Brilliant. Wish I had six stars to award, but sadly I do not.
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2022
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To put it as mildly as I am able, ZACHARY is a piece of work. MR. KINCADE is a much put upon saint. He is trapped by Zachary's gypsy soul, He is ensnared just as securely as a fly trapped in a spider's web. He wants to escape, but he cannot. In like manner, I want the scene to eventually end, but when it does, I want more. Brilliant. Wish I had six stars to award, but sadly I do not.
Comment Written 08-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2022
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Your presence here and your astute observations are worth more than a sixth star any day, Nolan. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing.
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Jay,
I still have the idea in my head that Zachary is Don Quixote's double. He's idealistic, but impractical. He seeks perfection in everything, almost to the point of nonsense. He just can't find his niche. It's why he has never settled down at one specific job. The world calls him away. He's tried his hand at being a South American cowboy, a gaucho in Argentina, where low grasslands cover 460,000 square miles. These plains extend westward through central Argentina to the Andean foothills. And he easily compared La Pampa to the sea, a vastness, where his father is sailing. He hopes to find him again one day. Every so often, he gets a whiff of sea air, and he's sure his father has sent it to him. You can look at the sea. You can look at an expanse of grasslands. (I think of our own Prairie provinces... Saskatchewan, Manitoba (especially), and Alberta.) But Zachary has this immense space inside himself that needs to be filled. He's a searcher, but he doesn't know what he's searching for. And I think Mr. Kincade is in the same boat. He's trying to feed these people jobs, but more than jobs... occupations. But even more than occupations... careers! That's what Zach asked early on... "Between twenty-one and twenty-three? How was I occupied?" Zach knows that he needs more than an occupation. But what??? Besides a cowboy, a fisherman, a stained glass artist, and now possibly joining Buddhist monks journeying to the Japanese mountain monastery of Koyasan to find solitude, he has mowed lawns, collected cans and bottles (named an environmentalist by Mr. Kincade), and even a boxed for the Royals of England. He has the scars still quite visible from his "wanderings". I tell you... he's a modern day Don Quixote attacking windmills!
I think the part of this scene I liked the best was his "one-month" of training under a master, Master Tamburo, in Florence Italy. Zach worked with stained glass, and he had such a talent for it. Signor Tamburo was impressed, but at the end of a month, Zach was off to Japan to seek peace. I think Mr. Kincade would like to have a little peace right now.
But I really liked "fragmentation into wholeness" when working on a piece of stained glass, and how some forms of art seek an artist rather than the other way around. It's like Zach's life... fragmented, but desiring to be whole. Can Mr. Kincade help him? Maybe in the long run, Zachary will be helping Mr. Kincade to become whole.
I'm wondering what's going through the minds of folks in the gallery, waiting for their turn to be interviewed for a job. Mr. Kincade is spending so much time with Zachary, and all of his work history. They must be getting agitated. I think you might need a song from them... "Get On With It ... we've been waiting for an hour! Get on with it! Send him home to get a shower!"
Keep up the good work, Jay! You're a fabulous script writer.
Cheers,
Kimbob
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2022
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Hi Jay,
I still have the idea in my head that Zachary is Don Quixote's double. He's idealistic, but impractical. He seeks perfection in everything, almost to the point of nonsense. He just can't find his niche. It's why he has never settled down at one specific job. The world calls him away. He's tried his hand at being a South American cowboy, a gaucho in Argentina, where low grasslands cover 460,000 square miles. These plains extend westward through central Argentina to the Andean foothills. And he easily compared La Pampa to the sea, a vastness, where his father is sailing. He hopes to find him again one day. Every so often, he gets a whiff of sea air, and he's sure his father has sent it to him. You can look at the sea. You can look at an expanse of grasslands. (I think of our own Prairie provinces... Saskatchewan, Manitoba (especially), and Alberta.) But Zachary has this immense space inside himself that needs to be filled. He's a searcher, but he doesn't know what he's searching for. And I think Mr. Kincade is in the same boat. He's trying to feed these people jobs, but more than jobs... occupations. But even more than occupations... careers! That's what Zach asked early on... "Between twenty-one and twenty-three? How was I occupied?" Zach knows that he needs more than an occupation. But what??? Besides a cowboy, a fisherman, a stained glass artist, and now possibly joining Buddhist monks journeying to the Japanese mountain monastery of Koyasan to find solitude, he has mowed lawns, collected cans and bottles (named an environmentalist by Mr. Kincade), and even a boxed for the Royals of England. He has the scars still quite visible from his "wanderings". I tell you... he's a modern day Don Quixote attacking windmills!
I think the part of this scene I liked the best was his "one-month" of training under a master, Master Tamburo, in Florence Italy. Zach worked with stained glass, and he had such a talent for it. Signor Tamburo was impressed, but at the end of a month, Zach was off to Japan to seek peace. I think Mr. Kincade would like to have a little peace right now.
But I really liked "fragmentation into wholeness" when working on a piece of stained glass, and how some forms of art seek an artist rather than the other way around. It's like Zach's life... fragmented, but desiring to be whole. Can Mr. Kincade help him? Maybe in the long run, Zachary will be helping Mr. Kincade to become whole.
I'm wondering what's going through the minds of folks in the gallery, waiting for their turn to be interviewed for a job. Mr. Kincade is spending so much time with Zachary, and all of his work history. They must be getting agitated. I think you might need a song from them... "Get On With It ... we've been waiting for an hour! Get on with it! Send him home to get a shower!"
Keep up the good work, Jay! You're a fabulous script writer.
Cheers,
Kimbob
Comment Written 08-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2022
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I don't know that I consciously patterned the character after Don Quixote, although he, at one point admitted he was his mother's Don. I did read Don Quixote from cover to cover, years ago, and it's hard to unremember it when you go character developing. I agree with you about the people in the gallery. In fact I have a scrapped scene involving them with about three of them trying to outdo each other in their descriptions of what they'd done to get food on the table. But at the time I was afraid it was a distraction from the chemistry between Zachary and Mr. Kincade. When it's completed and I have the luxury of weighing one part against the other, I will have another look at them. By the way ... I haven't heard back from you on whether you finally did get my email. I resent it and, so far, it hasn't been rejected the second time.
Kimbob, you are a valuable asset beyond measure here, with your in-depth reviews. I don't know whether I've given you a "thumbs up" this month, but you're certainly deserving. We'll find out.
Jay
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Hi Jay,
I was planning on writing you a note about email this morning. Well, I guess this is very early morning ...4:53 AM ... I just got up to collect my recycle containers before they are blown away.
I couldn't open your email. But I'm going to ask my daughter about it. Maybe she knows a way to do it. Hope so.
Kimbob
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Tell me, Kimbob, were you able to open any of my emails? I sent you several. You don't have another email address, do you?
Jay
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Hi Jay,
Yes, no problem getting your emails. And I could listen to your attachment, "Church Goin Man", without a hitch. But the other attachment, "Katherine", required a program to open. I'm no good at that stuff. But I'm going to ask my daughter for help when she finishes her work today. She's a financial analyst for the Irving Refinery here in Saint John. She works from home for 3 days/week. Usually, she goes to the office Monday & Wednesday. She's much smarter than me!
As far as recording a song, I don't have a microphone hookup for this computer. So I don't think I can send you anything like that. And I can't even send you a tape.
Kimbob
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The problem was the Katharine's lyrics were written on Google Docs and it has a warning about viruses. I decided to send you another email, this time just pasting the lyrics in the body. Try that.
Jay
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Okay, Jay.
Comment from jmdg1954
I enjoyed the banter between Zachary and Mr. Kincaid towards the beginning of the scene. Later the discussions became more intense, which was needed, making it truly plausible.
Looking forward to more,
John
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2022
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I enjoyed the banter between Zachary and Mr. Kincaid towards the beginning of the scene. Later the discussions became more intense, which was needed, making it truly plausible.
Looking forward to more,
John
Comment Written 08-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2022
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Thank you, John, for stopping by. I'm so pleased you took a chance with the play. There are surprises in every scene, so I hope to have you back.
Jay
Comment from Cindy Decker 2
Jay,
I really liked this scene!
Your dialogue is striking.
I like the sophistication and verbosity of Mr. Kincade.
Your story is easily read and gave some smiles (I liked the one about the dog in heat--I have a chihuahua mix.)
I visited Florence once and viewed much of the Renaissance artwork at the Pitti Palace.
Exceptional scene, Jay.
Good luck with all your writing!
Blessings,
Cindy
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2022
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Jay,
I really liked this scene!
Your dialogue is striking.
I like the sophistication and verbosity of Mr. Kincade.
Your story is easily read and gave some smiles (I liked the one about the dog in heat--I have a chihuahua mix.)
I visited Florence once and viewed much of the Renaissance artwork at the Pitti Palace.
Exceptional scene, Jay.
Good luck with all your writing!
Blessings,
Cindy
Comment Written 07-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2022
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Awwww, thank you, Cindy. I'm so happy you enjoyed this. Zachary --either you want to hug the guy or strangle him! I'm so pleased to have you stop by ... and oh, my! Award this a 6! Bless you, Cindy!
Jay
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You?re welcome, Jay. Very much deserved!
Comment from Douglas Goff
Once again, very nice job. This was well written.
I had trouble with one spot where I did t understand the sentence. Maybe rework it a little? :
"So you were twenty-one. Your application says you're twenty-three. What was your experience between that bout and your several rounds as an environmentalist?"
Seems junky and disjointed. Just my two cents.
The rest of it was great! You are a good writer.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2022
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Once again, very nice job. This was well written.
I had trouble with one spot where I did t understand the sentence. Maybe rework it a little? :
"So you were twenty-one. Your application says you're twenty-three. What was your experience between that bout and your several rounds as an environmentalist?"
Seems junky and disjointed. Just my two cents.
The rest of it was great! You are a good writer.
Comment Written 07-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2022
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Douglas, thank you so much for weighing in on this. I think I agree with the clunkiness of that line. It was designed only as a lead-in to the present scene, it being the last line of the previous one. In that scene it was probably less clunky within its context. But that makes no difference. Whatever is posted needs to walk securely on its own feet. And I thank you for pointing out it has a bit of a limp!
Jay
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Either way, a great piece of work, my friend
Comment from Ric Myworld
ROFL! Poor Mr. Kincade, more than likely about to lose his mind. But I'm guessing, that you are going to pull this all together and make him glad he wanted to hear Zackary out. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2022
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ROFL! Poor Mr. Kincade, more than likely about to lose his mind. But I'm guessing, that you are going to pull this all together and make him glad he wanted to hear Zackary out. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 06-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2022
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Thank you, Rick. I hope I'm having Zachary play off Mr. Kincade so the souls of each peek through their armor. I'm so happy to have you as a regular here.
Comment from Sanku
Mr Kinkaid appears to be a very patient man, but I get this feeling that he is fascinated by Zachary's multi -role life -from a cowboy of Pampas to stained glass painter with the role of fisherman in between .To be very frank even I was...imagine the freedom to do what you want and when you want.. Zachary is a complex character and you bring out his through expert dialogue which has tints of religious tones (fisherman ,stained glass )as well as wistful filial feeling
Thanks for a fine reading experience
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2022
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Mr Kinkaid appears to be a very patient man, but I get this feeling that he is fascinated by Zachary's multi -role life -from a cowboy of Pampas to stained glass painter with the role of fisherman in between .To be very frank even I was...imagine the freedom to do what you want and when you want.. Zachary is a complex character and you bring out his through expert dialogue which has tints of religious tones (fisherman ,stained glass )as well as wistful filial feeling
Thanks for a fine reading experience
Comment Written 06-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2022
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Oh, wow! Thank you for reading this, Sanku. I know it's not your genre of preference but you are getting to the soul of each character and what's more, finding application to your own life. That makes me feel good, friend!
Jay
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
This is interesting. Mr. Kincade can't bear to give up on Zachary as he is smitten by the life Zachary has lived. And Zachary is looking for a job that will fit him, but Mr. Kincade hasn't offered him anything that is just right.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2022
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This is interesting. Mr. Kincade can't bear to give up on Zachary as he is smitten by the life Zachary has lived. And Zachary is looking for a job that will fit him, but Mr. Kincade hasn't offered him anything that is just right.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2022
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Yes, the two characters are acting off each other. If Zachary didn't have insight on Mr. Kincade's "forbidden dreams" and fed them on and off, Zachary would be insufferable and the reader would be hoping Mr. Kincade would throw him out on his ear. I'm trying desperately to find the right balance of Spiritual teaching on Zachary's part and forbearance by Mr. Kincade ... and I'm hoping song will be the bridge. Carol, thanks for hanging in there. I know this isn't your favorite play.
Jay