The Incomparable Fanny Barnwarmer
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Incomparable Fanny Barnwarmer #6"America's First Female Comic
34 total reviews
Comment from Bill Schott
And so ends the life of Thurston Flourney and the associations between the characters mentioned so far are completed. We are far from through though................
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2022
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And so ends the life of Thurston Flourney and the associations between the characters mentioned so far are completed. We are far from through though................
Comment Written 11-Oct-2022
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2022
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Oh, yeah, Flourney only begins to come alive after he is dead, thanks to Fanny and the Reporter's background digging.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
There's a lot of generated tension in this piece. It's palpable. Great stuff
like y'all is--no diserspect 'tended--- not sure is the misspelling of disrespect was intentional.
I ain't the same nobby-need five-year-old on my front porch.- maybe it should be kneed?
I jes feeled my heart fly outen my / jes' tryin' to 'pear confused hissef. - jes/jes' here (I'd put the apostrophe after the first one as you use it more oft).
Now, Gerta, she tell me Thurston Flourney's face twists up in the Godawf'lest way an' he slaps both hands on t' his belly, an' Gerta ... tha's all she say she - Gerta should be Berta here?
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2022
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Hi there,
There's a lot of generated tension in this piece. It's palpable. Great stuff
like y'all is--no diserspect 'tended--- not sure is the misspelling of disrespect was intentional.
I ain't the same nobby-need five-year-old on my front porch.- maybe it should be kneed?
I jes feeled my heart fly outen my / jes' tryin' to 'pear confused hissef. - jes/jes' here (I'd put the apostrophe after the first one as you use it more oft).
Now, Gerta, she tell me Thurston Flourney's face twists up in the Godawf'lest way an' he slaps both hands on t' his belly, an' Gerta ... tha's all she say she - Gerta should be Berta here?
Comment Written 25-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2022
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Oh-oh, did I change her name? Won't be the first time I've done that. I'll check. Thanks. Yes, it should be nobby-kneed. Good to have you back!
Comment from T B Botts
Hey Jay,
Well done on your continuing saga. This seemed to explain things a little better than previous chapters, for me anyway. Quite riveting. Well done. I was a little confuse by the sound of the shots, but I imagine at a distance, the sound could be muffled.
Have a blessed evening.
Tom
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2022
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Hey Jay,
Well done on your continuing saga. This seemed to explain things a little better than previous chapters, for me anyway. Quite riveting. Well done. I was a little confuse by the sound of the shots, but I imagine at a distance, the sound could be muffled.
Have a blessed evening.
Tom
Comment Written 13-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2022
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Yes, I was trying to differentiate between the objective sound of the shots as from the street and the same sounds as heard by Fanny inside the Tavern while she was performing. Thanks for reading, Tom. Your presence is an honor.
Comment from RGstar
I had a little trouble getting through this one Jay, and believe me, I read right across the sentence, rather than looking to each word, as to not concentrate on spelling and word, as well dialect.
One has to also remember, this sort of story does not call for action, or a breakaway to book-movie action scenes, it is all about dialogue, its a script, and this one centers on a character, and brilliantly so.
This deserves 10 stars for charater...the insight to her mind is astounding, the small things that one would generally associate with an older person of that social sector, and the era she would be compelled to speak about, as well the way speaks, is brilliant, and I could easily see this on offer on a stage with some tightening up, It is that good. I have written for such and know when something is good. It captivates, purely and simply because of the charter, and her charm...and that is story enough to listen to.
However, remember...balance.
It is not a problem to cut down, a little on the accent, in terms of the spelling of some words, where spelt normally would not affect the narrative as much you think it will.
I would be the happiest on site to see this turned into a book, or used as intended.
Some have to remember, it is not a book, though so rich it is, and the way you fill out your scripts, one often forgets, and start to read as a book chapter...that is a mistake, but it gives testament to your brilliant writing.
Now, I suggest try to ease back on the richness of the Southern-drawl within the selling of certain words, just slightly, because even if reading through, expecting to understand he meaning of a sentence, rather than reading...and looking at individual words, I found myself stopping, or being stopped to make sure I read the right word.
There is a certain way, southern blacks speak, not all, but most, in comparison to heir counterparts, and sometimes, I have myself asking which of these are black characters, such is the accent.
You have a great concept here, and I actually think this is the best of all your scripts, and if this was turned into a book, I have no doubt it would sell, depending on its marketing, as well the cover and the balance.
I wish this so well, because it is an excellent concept.
I have no doubt its concept in book form, and if in movie, of course there would be many flashbacks and action to compliment it as a visual experience, but for now, it is all in the mind, and the power of this magnificent character.
You need that balance, or if too rich you poison the coffee.
With just a little bit of milk, or added water, you find the right taste.
I believe in this work, and it would make me so happy to see something good come from it.
I know you can do it.
This is the best, it not up there with the best and most interesting script or if you like screenplay I have read here.
One more thing...spacing, as you yourself allude to in your guide...and condensity: I felt in places, this one was a little congested in a couple of places, and with the dialogue to contend with some readers will give up and find only the negative, though not much there.
Now, like with everything good, you have to work on it...not just given.
My friend. I love this, and I would for one read a book of it..that is saying something.
It is interesting, as is the mind of the character.
Good luck. I believe in this work.
Best wishes.
RG
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2022
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I had a little trouble getting through this one Jay, and believe me, I read right across the sentence, rather than looking to each word, as to not concentrate on spelling and word, as well dialect.
One has to also remember, this sort of story does not call for action, or a breakaway to book-movie action scenes, it is all about dialogue, its a script, and this one centers on a character, and brilliantly so.
This deserves 10 stars for charater...the insight to her mind is astounding, the small things that one would generally associate with an older person of that social sector, and the era she would be compelled to speak about, as well the way speaks, is brilliant, and I could easily see this on offer on a stage with some tightening up, It is that good. I have written for such and know when something is good. It captivates, purely and simply because of the charter, and her charm...and that is story enough to listen to.
However, remember...balance.
It is not a problem to cut down, a little on the accent, in terms of the spelling of some words, where spelt normally would not affect the narrative as much you think it will.
I would be the happiest on site to see this turned into a book, or used as intended.
Some have to remember, it is not a book, though so rich it is, and the way you fill out your scripts, one often forgets, and start to read as a book chapter...that is a mistake, but it gives testament to your brilliant writing.
Now, I suggest try to ease back on the richness of the Southern-drawl within the selling of certain words, just slightly, because even if reading through, expecting to understand he meaning of a sentence, rather than reading...and looking at individual words, I found myself stopping, or being stopped to make sure I read the right word.
There is a certain way, southern blacks speak, not all, but most, in comparison to heir counterparts, and sometimes, I have myself asking which of these are black characters, such is the accent.
You have a great concept here, and I actually think this is the best of all your scripts, and if this was turned into a book, I have no doubt it would sell, depending on its marketing, as well the cover and the balance.
I wish this so well, because it is an excellent concept.
I have no doubt its concept in book form, and if in movie, of course there would be many flashbacks and action to compliment it as a visual experience, but for now, it is all in the mind, and the power of this magnificent character.
You need that balance, or if too rich you poison the coffee.
With just a little bit of milk, or added water, you find the right taste.
I believe in this work, and it would make me so happy to see something good come from it.
I know you can do it.
This is the best, it not up there with the best and most interesting script or if you like screenplay I have read here.
One more thing...spacing, as you yourself allude to in your guide...and condensity: I felt in places, this one was a little congested in a couple of places, and with the dialogue to contend with some readers will give up and find only the negative, though not much there.
Now, like with everything good, you have to work on it...not just given.
My friend. I love this, and I would for one read a book of it..that is saying something.
It is interesting, as is the mind of the character.
Good luck. I believe in this work.
Best wishes.
RG
Comment Written 13-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2022
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First of all, RG, the dialect has been my nemesis. I've worked myself in a corner with it. I've I pull back on its "thickness" it will throw her out of character. I will never write another play or story in dialect. It was a rookie error.
Plotwise, I let it get away from me. Fanny drew me away from the natural timeline. The audience/reader didn't get the full-felt hatred for Thurston Flourney because his trial has not been revealed yet. It got all wonky on me. And because of the weekly or fortnightly presentation of the scenes, I can't go back and revise the earlier scenes to give my play the most dramatic presentation.
What you said about the needed balance would all be corrected given a radical edit of the entirety.
All that said, I have incredible belief in your dramatic experience and the promise you see in the play, I am not discounting. I am only saying it could, and should, be much better when toned down and the scene sequences redistributed.
I am humbled and honored by your words and the detail you used in expressing it. You have faith in me that I often don't have in myself. Thank you for that, my dear friend.
Comment from Annette R.
Not being from Texas it is sometimes hard to figure out the dialect, but I was able to follow the general story. It held my interest as Fanny stretched out her dialogue and I can imagine her and the reporter on stage. The change to a modified voice helped hold my interest.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2022
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Not being from Texas it is sometimes hard to figure out the dialect, but I was able to follow the general story. It held my interest as Fanny stretched out her dialogue and I can imagine her and the reporter on stage. The change to a modified voice helped hold my interest.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2022
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I'm glad you were able to go beyond the dialect. It's been either loved or hated by the readers. I hope you continue on with the play, Annette.
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I write in deep south dialect on occasion. I wonder if it would help to translate in parentheses. I know your writing is a script and that reminds me of the character Festus on Gunsmoke who speaks in what passes for Mountain dialect. Just some musings on my part but would be interested in your thoughts.
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No, I don't think I could do the translation parenthetically. It was a mistake to have undertaken it in the first place. Short of abandoning it (I do have faith in the plot), I chose to continue on with it, then never try it again. I'll leave it for the pros. Thank you for your suggestion, though.
Jay
PS: on the off-chance I don't understand your suggestion, would you mind PMing me a sampling?
JS
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Goodness me, I was hanging on every last word as Fanny told Juniper's story. She was a brave lady, and should have been called a hero. But that never happened in those days. Now she's shot him, (good) she'll be given a trial, and spend the rest of her life in jail. So not fair! I really enjoyed reading this part. Loved the way Fanny tells it. Well done, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2022
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Goodness me, I was hanging on every last word as Fanny told Juniper's story. She was a brave lady, and should have been called a hero. But that never happened in those days. Now she's shot him, (good) she'll be given a trial, and spend the rest of her life in jail. So not fair! I really enjoyed reading this part. Loved the way Fanny tells it. Well done, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 13-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2022
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I'm so pleased you were able to read this. You would have been forgiven with what you've gone through. I won't post the continuation of that scene Sunday, but take an extra week on it. Some problems. Your six stars were gracious. Thank you, Sandra. Get well, okay?
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Jay,
Some mighty fine writin' here, me bucko! (After I finished reading this scene, I find the southern slang is stuck in my tongue, all the way back to my throat. And out it comes from my fingertips!)
You surely can't blame Juniper for murdering Thurston Flourney. It would be hard not to take revenge on the man who hanged your father.
Well, this certainly clears up about the killing, and why Juniper ended up in prison. I wonder how many years she was sentenced? Do we know? All I can remember is that she died in prison, and her ghost is (at least, momentarily) visiting Fanny.
You're such a terrific writer and storyteller, Jay. And playwright. And dramatist.
I don't have any stickyberry crullers. But my wife did make a banana bread earlier today. Maybe I'll have a wee slice of that in celebration of this scene. Juniper sure had Thurston fooled, didn't she? It's a shame she had to wait so long to retaliate. It must have eaten away at her all through her life. But I bet it made prison a lot easier to handle. Almost a reward of sorts. But it ended her relationship with Fanny. It was pretty well over. Juniper would have known it. And Fanny, inside on the stage, would have known it. But she let Juniper have her vengeance anyway.
Nicely penned, Jay! Bloody excellent!
Cheers,
Kimbob
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2022
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Hi Jay,
Some mighty fine writin' here, me bucko! (After I finished reading this scene, I find the southern slang is stuck in my tongue, all the way back to my throat. And out it comes from my fingertips!)
You surely can't blame Juniper for murdering Thurston Flourney. It would be hard not to take revenge on the man who hanged your father.
Well, this certainly clears up about the killing, and why Juniper ended up in prison. I wonder how many years she was sentenced? Do we know? All I can remember is that she died in prison, and her ghost is (at least, momentarily) visiting Fanny.
You're such a terrific writer and storyteller, Jay. And playwright. And dramatist.
I don't have any stickyberry crullers. But my wife did make a banana bread earlier today. Maybe I'll have a wee slice of that in celebration of this scene. Juniper sure had Thurston fooled, didn't she? It's a shame she had to wait so long to retaliate. It must have eaten away at her all through her life. But I bet it made prison a lot easier to handle. Almost a reward of sorts. But it ended her relationship with Fanny. It was pretty well over. Juniper would have known it. And Fanny, inside on the stage, would have known it. But she let Juniper have her vengeance anyway.
Nicely penned, Jay! Bloody excellent!
Cheers,
Kimbob
Comment Written 12-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2022
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You don't know it, but your review instilled new life in me for at least another couple of scenes. I had planned on giving it up, so frustrated had I become over several respected reviewers panning of it for Fanny's dialect. It was a massive mistake on my part to think it could be sustained without reader casualties. I had made up my mind this morning to abandon it with a separate post of explanation. Even if I do finish the play (in some manner) I will post the separate article because it explained the obstacles I faced ... and knew better. I don't want to post that article, though, until I am sure I can't progress further on the play. That's because the article would be a spoiler alert.
Anyway, you've given me new life. Thank you for that and for the sixer! BTW, Juniper was in jail 40 years of a life sentence. Can't say more.
Comment from tfawcus
Masterful control of dramatic tension here as the story trickles out a little at a time. Plenty for the audience to talk about in the intermission, too. I can't imagine anyone ducking out at halftime!
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2022
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Masterful control of dramatic tension here as the story trickles out a little at a time. Plenty for the audience to talk about in the intermission, too. I can't imagine anyone ducking out at halftime!
Comment Written 12-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2022
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Thank you Tony. If you'd sampled any of my reviews you'd see that not only did some people duck out during intermission, at least a couple left to not come back. But you stayed for which I am thoroughly stoked! Thank you for your support and your 6 stars!
Comment from irishauthorme
Quiet an education here, the dialogue very close to what I heard on my journeys into the Ozarks in the state of Missouri. Beliefs and ground rules from the previous century, and if I had not been in the company of a native-born and raised there I would not have been allowed to visit.
Liked the way you moved the story forward with Fanny's narrative and the satisfactory ending.
Good work,
irish
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2022
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Quiet an education here, the dialogue very close to what I heard on my journeys into the Ozarks in the state of Missouri. Beliefs and ground rules from the previous century, and if I had not been in the company of a native-born and raised there I would not have been allowed to visit.
Liked the way you moved the story forward with Fanny's narrative and the satisfactory ending.
Good work,
irish
Comment Written 12-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2022
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Many grateful thank-yous, Irish. My memory of that dialect is from my Grandmother and that would have been from over 70 years ago. It just stuck. I appreciate your kind compliments and hope you give the next scene a chance.
Comment from Spitfire
I'm sorry Jay, but I really can't get into this. I find the interruption of the reporter annoying and Fanny's speech patterns something I don't want to deal with. I remember my son refusing to read Huck Finn because of the dialect!
The story is taking too long. It's just not my cup of tea, Sweetie.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2022
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I'm sorry Jay, but I really can't get into this. I find the interruption of the reporter annoying and Fanny's speech patterns something I don't want to deal with. I remember my son refusing to read Huck Finn because of the dialect!
The story is taking too long. It's just not my cup of tea, Sweetie.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2022
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I appreciate your honesty, Shari. LOL, you are hereby relieved of duty.