Wilderness Redemption Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Danger Ahead"Shenanigans on the frontier
17 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Earl,
So the Indians missed the bigger party already? That's odd.
This was a nice chapter - moving your story right along. I enjoyed - but here are a few notes:
1.) "Shawnees.....rifles.....last week"
--> needs some punctuation at the end
2.) Mighty Beaver's (face) showed no emotion,
3.) "N-n-n-o I ain't, Doo(,)" Finnerty stuttered.
Thanks, pal!
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2021
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Earl,
So the Indians missed the bigger party already? That's odd.
This was a nice chapter - moving your story right along. I enjoyed - but here are a few notes:
1.) "Shawnees.....rifles.....last week"
--> needs some punctuation at the end
2.) Mighty Beaver's (face) showed no emotion,
3.) "N-n-n-o I ain't, Doo(,)" Finnerty stuttered.
Thanks, pal!
Comment Written 02-Feb-2021
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2021
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Thanks for the editing tips. I appreciate you takling the time to read and review my work.
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
Good story. Dialect is accurate but not too overdone. Good action and good characterization. Couple of problems I noticed. Janie ran out of forest and . . . gulped air (drop "in"). Mighty Beaver showed (don't know why the ('s) on Beaver. Don't think China needs to be capitalized as it refers to dinner plates in generic way (but could be wrong). Think it would be better for narrator to say they were speaking in Iroquois since the italic/bolded just isn't easily read. (kind of like screaming). Keep on keeping on. You're doing great.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2021
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Good story. Dialect is accurate but not too overdone. Good action and good characterization. Couple of problems I noticed. Janie ran out of forest and . . . gulped air (drop "in"). Mighty Beaver showed (don't know why the ('s) on Beaver. Don't think China needs to be capitalized as it refers to dinner plates in generic way (but could be wrong). Think it would be better for narrator to say they were speaking in Iroquois since the italic/bolded just isn't easily read. (kind of like screaming). Keep on keeping on. You're doing great.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2021
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Thank you for reading and reviewing my work, I appreciate it.
Comment from RetroStarfish
The frontier vernacular is spectacular. It makes for a great and authentic read. Nice action in this story, and I'm a sucker for young female characters who are strong and stand up for themselves.
Nice detail too: "She bent at the waist and put a hand on each knee..."
A couple of minor points in this sentence: "Mighty Beaver's showed no emotion, so it was him that asked the next question."
I think you mean Mighty Beaver's face, or even Mighty Beaver showed no...
It should also read "...so it was he who asked..." People are "who" things and animals are "that."
Great chapter.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2021
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The frontier vernacular is spectacular. It makes for a great and authentic read. Nice action in this story, and I'm a sucker for young female characters who are strong and stand up for themselves.
Nice detail too: "She bent at the waist and put a hand on each knee..."
A couple of minor points in this sentence: "Mighty Beaver's showed no emotion, so it was him that asked the next question."
I think you mean Mighty Beaver's face, or even Mighty Beaver showed no...
It should also read "...so it was he who asked..." People are "who" things and animals are "that."
Great chapter.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2021
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Thank you for reading and reviewing my work, I appreciate it.
Comment from Lyn Peters
I'm not typically a fan of Westerns, but your piece was an excellent read. I appreciate your footnotes (explaining the text in bold and italics) and I appreciated that you wrote the piece in the vernacular of the day. Nicely done. I'll be on the lookout for more of your work in the future. Happy writing.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2021
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I'm not typically a fan of Westerns, but your piece was an excellent read. I appreciate your footnotes (explaining the text in bold and italics) and I appreciated that you wrote the piece in the vernacular of the day. Nicely done. I'll be on the lookout for more of your work in the future. Happy writing.
Comment Written 29-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2021
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Thank you for reading and reviewing my work, I appreciate it.
Comment from Ric Myworld
A whole lot of action with very few words, and it appears there is going to be whole lot more actions in the near future. Outstanding writing and a good story. I wish I had started from the beginning or had time to go back and catch up. Wish I had a six.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2021
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A whole lot of action with very few words, and it appears there is going to be whole lot more actions in the near future. Outstanding writing and a good story. I wish I had started from the beginning or had time to go back and catch up. Wish I had a six.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2021
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Just stay tuned to this Bat channel for more action.Thank you for reading and reviewing my work, I appreciate it.
Comment from Sugarray77
Hello Earl...I enjoyed reading your lovely story. The theme is well developed and full of emotion and energy, especially great dialogue among your cast of characters. I find it interesting and easily understood. A great addition to your ongoing story.
Melissa
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2021
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Hello Earl...I enjoyed reading your lovely story. The theme is well developed and full of emotion and energy, especially great dialogue among your cast of characters. I find it interesting and easily understood. A great addition to your ongoing story.
Melissa
Comment Written 28-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2021
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Thank you very much Melissa for reading and reviewing my work, I appreciate it.
Comment from Mastery
Hi Earl. I am glad to see you continue with your frontier story, Earl. great imagery like here, for instance.
"Doo's eyes blazed with anger, he gripped Finnerty harder until the man was standing on his tiptoes."
And here: ""I think the whites we're watching for are here, we can go home," he said. (I didn't understand what you were saying here, earl?
Also, I think the switch to bold type is distracting and not needed at all.
Overall a fine chapter, but unfortunately this late in the week, I have no sixes left although it deserves one. :) Bob
It is the only story on the site that appears to show the real frontier woodsman.
Suggestions if I may, Earl:
"Mighty Beaver's face showed no emotion," Mighty Beaver showed no emotion."
And: "Doo squared up with Finnerty.
"Yore lyin', Finnerty," Doo said."
Change to use a pronoun instead of two nouns, I think.
"Doo squared up with Finnerty.
"Yore lyin', Finnerty," HE said."
And: stronger verbs are always best, my friend. Like here for instance: "Doo reached out and grabbed the ferryman by the front of his shirt and pulled him to within inches of his face."
Change to: "Doo reached out and grabbed the ferryman by the front of his shirt and YANKED him to within inches of his face.
:
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2021
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Hi Earl. I am glad to see you continue with your frontier story, Earl. great imagery like here, for instance.
"Doo's eyes blazed with anger, he gripped Finnerty harder until the man was standing on his tiptoes."
And here: ""I think the whites we're watching for are here, we can go home," he said. (I didn't understand what you were saying here, earl?
Also, I think the switch to bold type is distracting and not needed at all.
Overall a fine chapter, but unfortunately this late in the week, I have no sixes left although it deserves one. :) Bob
It is the only story on the site that appears to show the real frontier woodsman.
Suggestions if I may, Earl:
"Mighty Beaver's face showed no emotion," Mighty Beaver showed no emotion."
And: "Doo squared up with Finnerty.
"Yore lyin', Finnerty," Doo said."
Change to use a pronoun instead of two nouns, I think.
"Doo squared up with Finnerty.
"Yore lyin', Finnerty," HE said."
And: stronger verbs are always best, my friend. Like here for instance: "Doo reached out and grabbed the ferryman by the front of his shirt and pulled him to within inches of his face."
Change to: "Doo reached out and grabbed the ferryman by the front of his shirt and YANKED him to within inches of his face.
:
Comment Written 28-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2021
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Thanks for the pointer about using stronger verbs. I'm glad you're enjoying this and keeping up with it. I know I'm slow about posting but I had terrible writers block in December (see my story Tick Tock) I appreciate the virtual six my friend.
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Do you notice how stronger verbs improve your writing, Earl? :) Bob
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Another great chapter from the pen of Earl Corp. You and Ben Colder tell wonderful stories about the frontier and I do enjoy reading them. There is a lot of trouble waiting on the other side of the river. Well done Earl. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2021
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Another great chapter from the pen of Earl Corp. You and Ben Colder tell wonderful stories about the frontier and I do enjoy reading them. There is a lot of trouble waiting on the other side of the river. Well done Earl. Nancy:)
Comment Written 28-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2021
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Thank you very much Nancy for reading and reviewing my work, I appreciate it.
Comment from Suzanna Ray
Dear Earl, I know this story is fictional, but I can tell that you have done a lot of research for this time period in our history and the expansion of Caucasians into Ohio. I have a question. Did the migration of families down the Ohio River by raft, happen before or after your story?
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2021
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Dear Earl, I know this story is fictional, but I can tell that you have done a lot of research for this time period in our history and the expansion of Caucasians into Ohio. I have a question. Did the migration of families down the Ohio River by raft, happen before or after your story?
Comment Written 28-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2021
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This is set about 1800 so it's about the same time. I'm actually using this as a prequal to a Mountain Man series which will morph into a western later on. Thank you for reading and reviewing my work, I appreciate it.
Comment from aryr
What a great continuation chapter, Earl. I liked how you seemed to pull the two parts together. Having Janie rush up to the others shouting what she has learned, Doo grabbing Ezra demanding the truth, Ezra's reaction to his son's (Jack) response. Then for Jack to not only get a rifle but threaten to shoot Doo was inspirational. The two Indians sent to spy and report - all of this makes a great chapter-the suspense, the mystery, the intrigue. Blessings.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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What a great continuation chapter, Earl. I liked how you seemed to pull the two parts together. Having Janie rush up to the others shouting what she has learned, Doo grabbing Ezra demanding the truth, Ezra's reaction to his son's (Jack) response. Then for Jack to not only get a rifle but threaten to shoot Doo was inspirational. The two Indians sent to spy and report - all of this makes a great chapter-the suspense, the mystery, the intrigue. Blessings.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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Thank you very much for taking the time to read and review my chapter. I appreciate the five stars.
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It is really interesting to follow, Earl, you are so welcome, blessings.