The Incomparable Fanny Barnwarmer
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Incomparable Fanny Barnwarmer #5"America's First Female Comic
33 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Jay,
Very nice once again. Excellent pacing and the developments at the end play out well and a great stopping off point.
Juniper has died in Prison. - not sure prison needs the capital.
I know you can get away with it sometimes in diction but Fanny uses you ya and ye for you all in the first few exchanges.
Y'all jes sit there an' drink yer tea. / Jes' colored water what with probish'in an' all.- jes' and jes used.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2022
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Hi Jay,
Very nice once again. Excellent pacing and the developments at the end play out well and a great stopping off point.
Juniper has died in Prison. - not sure prison needs the capital.
I know you can get away with it sometimes in diction but Fanny uses you ya and ye for you all in the first few exchanges.
Y'all jes sit there an' drink yer tea. / Jes' colored water what with probish'in an' all.- jes' and jes used.
All the best
G
Comment Written 03-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2022
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The dialect of this play will be the death of me yet, G. I went totally "by ear" with the use of "y'all". When I replace it occasionally with "yer" it's entirely intentional. "Ye" was also chosen rarely ... "ya" not so much. I swon, after a day of writing, I find myself talking to my dog in dialect. Thanks, G!
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Yep, I've done it a few times and it can get squirrelly after a while. lol
Comment from lancellot
Well, it took a while but we got the juicy part at the end. That was smart and good way hook the reader going into the next act. I wonder how much the dialect will weigh on readers after a long time. I mean you never want to lose attention, but this a lot of back and forth talking, followed by more talking. Something to consider.
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reply by the author on 03-Apr-2022
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Well, it took a while but we got the juicy part at the end. That was smart and good way hook the reader going into the next act. I wonder how much the dialect will weigh on readers after a long time. I mean you never want to lose attention, but this a lot of back and forth talking, followed by more talking. Something to consider.
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Comment Written 03-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2022
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Thank you, Lance. Everything you say about the dialect is true. Dialect is my heroin. I started it as a lark, and now I can't kick it. Unfortunately (and I think you mentioned it last review ... and it's so, so true), dialect skirts very closely to ignorance. It becomes difficult to accept that a person who speaks in a very broad dialect, such as Fanny as being intelligent. Of course that CAN be fertile ground for irony, too ... but, aw hell, I just over-did it and now I can't back away ... nohow! LOL, bear with me, pal!
Comment from JanPerry
In your profile I like, "growing old passes the time." A lovely term of phrase.
Fanny has a strong southern slang that is hard to read. I think the bold type is unnecessary. Although conversation is warranted in your story, Id like some more descriptions of feelings and sights to help alleviate the constant chatter.
Otherwise it has interesting aspects to it.
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reply by the author on 03-Apr-2022
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In your profile I like, "growing old passes the time." A lovely term of phrase.
Fanny has a strong southern slang that is hard to read. I think the bold type is unnecessary. Although conversation is warranted in your story, Id like some more descriptions of feelings and sights to help alleviate the constant chatter.
Otherwise it has interesting aspects to it.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2022
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Thank you, Jan. You make some very valid points. I must say, however, that I push the margin already about as far as I can by including too much stage direction. In my defense, I've explained to my critics that my plays are not intended to be acted out by actors and directed by directors. It's meant only to be read.
I do thank you, though, for reading my play and airing in your honest thoughts about it.
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Thats just my thoughts