The Incomparable Fanny Barnwarmer
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Incomparable Fanny Barnwarmer"America's First Female Comic
28 total reviews
Comment from RGstar
Yes Jay. I just can't help but bring up a little thing bugging me. The notes about the audience and the actors, the perspective being from the authors'.
For me, it really does get in the way of thought, and I find myself battling to try to place myself as an onlooker to envision that process, if I understand, correctly, your meaning. To see things from the actors angle, when the narration is not from the actor, is very difficult, for the reader will automatically see things unfolding in front of them, so offstage left remains offstage left to the onlooker, (reader or audience) rather than offstage left to the actor (offstage right to the onlooker or reader) which would serve no purpose, as far as the reader's mind is concerned, just places too much thought on the reader, of positioning, rather than just building a mental picture that is natural as to take the reader deep into the narration and scene.
''NOTE TO READER: Remember this play is from the actors' perspective, not the audience's. What is "left" to the actor would be "right" for the audience. What is "far back" on the stage to the audience is designated "upstage" to the actor.]''
The above is what is throwing me each time. Perhaps just me, but every time I try immersing into the narrative...then: ''a sound off left'' I start to try visualize to visualize, the sound coming from off right, as from the audience or reader's perspective, according to your 'warning notification or perspective. I may be getting the meaning wrong, but for me, that note only causes an obstruction to the natural thought process when reading, because the reader has to somehow place themselves on stage with the author looking outwards, which is very difficult. So my reasoning is, the focus is hindering that smooth transgression into the narrative with too much thought around positioning, and having to feel one must see things from an opposite direction. The audience or reader automatically sees things in front of them, not on stage looking out. Perhaps just my view of something battling with, so wondered if that note serves much purpose, hindering rather than enhancing the excellent narration and charm of the whole thing, with too much thought of positioning all the time...technical.
Having said that. My six stars is off the great dialogues. Roomy, catching, natural in its distribution, fast and witty where should be, thoughtful and to the point where needed. A first in the dialect and the personality of the lead character. Bravo.
My best wishes.
Hope you understand my angle of things.
My best.
RG
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2022
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Yes Jay. I just can't help but bring up a little thing bugging me. The notes about the audience and the actors, the perspective being from the authors'.
For me, it really does get in the way of thought, and I find myself battling to try to place myself as an onlooker to envision that process, if I understand, correctly, your meaning. To see things from the actors angle, when the narration is not from the actor, is very difficult, for the reader will automatically see things unfolding in front of them, so offstage left remains offstage left to the onlooker, (reader or audience) rather than offstage left to the actor (offstage right to the onlooker or reader) which would serve no purpose, as far as the reader's mind is concerned, just places too much thought on the reader, of positioning, rather than just building a mental picture that is natural as to take the reader deep into the narration and scene.
''NOTE TO READER: Remember this play is from the actors' perspective, not the audience's. What is "left" to the actor would be "right" for the audience. What is "far back" on the stage to the audience is designated "upstage" to the actor.]''
The above is what is throwing me each time. Perhaps just me, but every time I try immersing into the narrative...then: ''a sound off left'' I start to try visualize to visualize, the sound coming from off right, as from the audience or reader's perspective, according to your 'warning notification or perspective. I may be getting the meaning wrong, but for me, that note only causes an obstruction to the natural thought process when reading, because the reader has to somehow place themselves on stage with the author looking outwards, which is very difficult. So my reasoning is, the focus is hindering that smooth transgression into the narrative with too much thought around positioning, and having to feel one must see things from an opposite direction. The audience or reader automatically sees things in front of them, not on stage looking out. Perhaps just my view of something battling with, so wondered if that note serves much purpose, hindering rather than enhancing the excellent narration and charm of the whole thing, with too much thought of positioning all the time...technical.
Having said that. My six stars is off the great dialogues. Roomy, catching, natural in its distribution, fast and witty where should be, thoughtful and to the point where needed. A first in the dialect and the personality of the lead character. Bravo.
My best wishes.
Hope you understand my angle of things.
My best.
RG
Comment Written 20-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2022
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I certainly do understand, R.G. Enough so that I'm going to remove it from the script. Thank you for taking the time to detail your perceptions. I honestly never thought of the distraction, ONCE IT IS IMPLANTED IN THE READER'S MIND, causing him/her to reverse-think
You are very gracious with your six stars, and I appreciate that in light of the above. I'm going to go remove the offender now (like an actor who muffed his lines one to many times).
LOL, Jay
Comment from Rosemary Everson1
These scripts are written about the days when the people were hung by a rope. I can see your granny being like the granny on the television show, (The Beverly Hillbillies).
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2022
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These scripts are written about the days when the people were hung by a rope. I can see your granny being like the granny on the television show, (The Beverly Hillbillies).
Comment Written 20-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2022
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Oh, Goodness, Rosemary. I never thought of Fanny being like the Granny on The Beverly Hillbillies. That's funny. Yes, though, the play within the play took place in the 1880s. Glad to have you stop by. I hope to see you in the future.
Comment from BethShelby
This is so interesting. You know there is another FanStory member writing the biography of Isabella Baumfree. Maybe you are reading Gee's story about her. I think you must have done stage directing at one time. You are the only one that goes to such length to make sure we see ever move and facial expression of your characters. I really enjoying this.
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2022
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This is so interesting. You know there is another FanStory member writing the biography of Isabella Baumfree. Maybe you are reading Gee's story about her. I think you must have done stage directing at one time. You are the only one that goes to such length to make sure we see ever move and facial expression of your characters. I really enjoying this.
Comment Written 20-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2022
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Much obliged, Beth. Yes, I've read Gee's biography, and even told him I was writing this play. It was a happy coincidence, however, about using Isabella Baumfree. I had happened to read about her on Wikipedia when I was Google researching the Civil War time period (believe it or not) about comedians in that time. Somehow, don't ask me how, wires crossed and I was introduced to Isabella Baumfree ... who was indeed not a comedian. It was afterwards I fell upon Gee's excellent dramatic biography. I told him about the coincidence.
Beth, your six was such a delight. Thank you for helping me begin my day with a smile. It was not an easy night of sleep.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
OMG! That was some terrific writing on a subject we all know happened in those days. (the shame of the white man) This script has certainly exploded into one hell of a gripping story, Jay, I was holding my breath for the last part hoping the mob would come to their senses about hanging a white man. And to force a child to watch!!! Were the white people even human in those days? I can't wait to read what happened to Juniper and her mother. Juniper survived, but what about her mum? My hands are shaking as I type this. Incredible writing, so realistic, and so heart thumpingly good. Super well done, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2022
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OMG! That was some terrific writing on a subject we all know happened in those days. (the shame of the white man) This script has certainly exploded into one hell of a gripping story, Jay, I was holding my breath for the last part hoping the mob would come to their senses about hanging a white man. And to force a child to watch!!! Were the white people even human in those days? I can't wait to read what happened to Juniper and her mother. Juniper survived, but what about her mum? My hands are shaking as I type this. Incredible writing, so realistic, and so heart thumpingly good. Super well done, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 20-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2022
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Oh, Sandra! Have you EVER made my day! (As I read that odd sentence I just wrote, I answer myself: "Yes, you DID make my day!") And yes, dear Sandra, it was a dark time for the white man. In the first draft of this scene I had the reporter take on the odious mantle of the white man in a kind of "self-hatred" that, unfortunately, became counterproductively melodramatic and I had to remove it.
Your six is so gracious, Sandra! Thank you so much. Yes, the next scene or two, if I can bring them off as I want, will enlarge on Juniper's life and the Civil war times.
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I'm sure you will bring them off, now you are well and truly into the plot. You are a fabulous writer, Jay, and I've learned so much from you. :)) xxx
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Bless you, Sandra!
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, I don't know. But, I do know the FS audience will like senior main characters and period speech. So....
How scripts are written are loose here, so this should be fine to reviewers. I don't know. You can ignore the notes I took. It doesn't matter.
I wish you luck in the story and happy writing. Goodnight.
(A full anticipatory grin as of one waiting for a joke's punchline, which then transforms to a look of perplexity when he realizes that punchline is not forthcoming)
- No, this is too much for a script.
Now Grizzy, you jes mind yer way with yer own Howard, ya hear? an' stay 'way from this young man who be jes' fool enough to give up his hog-sloppin' time to court me fer a spell.
- Is this two sentences or one?
(Chuckling, wagging a finger, [comically], at her)
- this is subjective, not direction.
(Watching till recognition forces his jaw to drop before he goes on)
- this is 3rd person omnipresence
(Looking physically ill, he retches and makes a horrible face)
- huh?
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reply by the author on 20-Feb-2022
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Hmm, I don't know. But, I do know the FS audience will like senior main characters and period speech. So....
How scripts are written are loose here, so this should be fine to reviewers. I don't know. You can ignore the notes I took. It doesn't matter.
I wish you luck in the story and happy writing. Goodnight.
(A full anticipatory grin as of one waiting for a joke's punchline, which then transforms to a look of perplexity when he realizes that punchline is not forthcoming)
- No, this is too much for a script.
Now Grizzy, you jes mind yer way with yer own Howard, ya hear? an' stay 'way from this young man who be jes' fool enough to give up his hog-sloppin' time to court me fer a spell.
- Is this two sentences or one?
(Chuckling, wagging a finger, [comically], at her)
- this is subjective, not direction.
(Watching till recognition forces his jaw to drop before he goes on)
- this is 3rd person omnipresence
(Looking physically ill, he retches and makes a horrible face)
- huh?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2022
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Sorry it didn't set well with you, Lance. Admittedly, I have some trouble with the subjectivity of the character directions, particularly the "3rd person omnipresence". Perhaps "gagging" should replace "retching"? What do you think?
"I don't know. You can ignore the notes I took. It doesn't matter." But it most certainly does matter, Lance. Your comments have all been on spot as far as areas I can profit by working on. If you didn't make your notes beyond the first paragraph, I might look for an ulterior reason for your including it, but because you went further, with copious examples, I am indebted, my friend.
Comment from Giftedone.Eric Wallace .
I must be getting sleepy you lost me did you grab me grab me but overall great job keep it up keep it up and enjoy to read my life thread my eyes kind of hurt It was worth The Strain
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2022
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I must be getting sleepy you lost me did you grab me grab me but overall great job keep it up keep it up and enjoy to read my life thread my eyes kind of hurt It was worth The Strain
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2022
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Wow, sometimes it might be best to give in to your need for sleep and read FS with fresh eyes the next morning, LOL. Good night, my friend.
Comment from lyenochka
I'm not fully understanding the timeline as Fanny is talking to the reporter but it's almost like there's some parallel to what Juniper is reading.
But we now have more reason to understand why there was an intent of murder when the ladies came to town.
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2022
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I'm not fully understanding the timeline as Fanny is talking to the reporter but it's almost like there's some parallel to what Juniper is reading.
But we now have more reason to understand why there was an intent of murder when the ladies came to town.
Comment Written 20-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2022
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Thank you, Helen. I can feel your mind working as you read my scene.
I wanted to effect a kind of unreality about Juniper's positioning in the current (1929) action. Of course, she could not ACTUALLY be reading a letter on her cot describing what was happening in current (1929) time, like Fanny's written words about touching the reporter's knee. There would probably be less of the grating "double-negative" (photographically speaking) feeling if I'd have had Juniper in the main action, bringing out lemonade and cookies, then disappearing inside, coming back out later, then leaving, etc. But then she would become more like Shakespeare's cleaning women who exist only to further the plot.
Meanwhile, thanks for the six stars, my dear friend. I hope you keep aboard. Some important information is revealed next scene.
Comment from chatterbox1
Yup! Ya' dunnit again, You done dragged six stars outa me-- again!
Great story. Made me sick to read the last scene, thank you very much!
Still Hooked.
Carol
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2022
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Yup! Ya' dunnit again, You done dragged six stars outa me-- again!
Great story. Made me sick to read the last scene, thank you very much!
Still Hooked.
Carol
Comment Written 20-Feb-2022
reply by the author on 20-Feb-2022
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I was wondering if, aside from the violence warning, I should apologize in the author's notes for the graphic nature of the hanging. Thank you so very, very much, Carol, for your support and the lovely six stars!