Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Chapter Funf part zwei"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
35 total reviews
Comment from Smokes Widow
Wrong word, I can't "except" such extravagant gifts... should be "accept."
This paragraph, no idea what it's trying to say. It's a weird hodgepodge of information. Was there an explanation earlier in the book? Or just bad punctuation?
"Shana sat on the edge of her bed. Romeo lay at her feet. "Jane said Pamela, no..., Patricia thought being married to Anderson meant she'd live a lavish lifestyle filled with parties every night. She didn't realize Anderson needed to work and she refused to live in Texas when he wasn't needed here."
Ignoring the fact that in this bit of the chapter the reader doesn't know anyone but the lawyer, the main character, and Shana - Who's Pamela? she's not in the cast of characters listed. What does Patricia have to do with Anderson or the comment about Jane and Pamela? So he's working in Texas and this Patricia person doesn't want to live in Texas because he's working?
I'm sorry, the story is somewhat engaging, but the writing is all over the place. Perhaps a longer segment might make more sense, but this is the only segment given to me to rate.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2017
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Wrong word, I can't "except" such extravagant gifts... should be "accept."
This paragraph, no idea what it's trying to say. It's a weird hodgepodge of information. Was there an explanation earlier in the book? Or just bad punctuation?
"Shana sat on the edge of her bed. Romeo lay at her feet. "Jane said Pamela, no..., Patricia thought being married to Anderson meant she'd live a lavish lifestyle filled with parties every night. She didn't realize Anderson needed to work and she refused to live in Texas when he wasn't needed here."
Ignoring the fact that in this bit of the chapter the reader doesn't know anyone but the lawyer, the main character, and Shana - Who's Pamela? she's not in the cast of characters listed. What does Patricia have to do with Anderson or the comment about Jane and Pamela? So he's working in Texas and this Patricia person doesn't want to live in Texas because he's working?
I'm sorry, the story is somewhat engaging, but the writing is all over the place. Perhaps a longer segment might make more sense, but this is the only segment given to me to rate.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2017
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I changed the word. Patricia is in the character list. Pamela was a wrong name, but Shana corrected it. It's not my fault you haven't followed the story.
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Lol. I am new to the site, and the site presents for review sections. I understand it's not to be expected that I know the whole story and that's fine. But since there was a cast of characters in the explanation it was odd that names were used that weren't in there.
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they were there, except for the word Pamela which was corrected in dialogue.
Comment from royowen
I feel so sorry for kids with bad parents, who use children for their own ends, I guess the problem is, although they have feelings for the child, their own gratification is more important. I was one of them, God changed that, and my children and marriage became my priority, young lives are so important. Dear Shana' has feelings for Anderson, I think, and putting herself in danger to alleviate problems in the custody battle for Emily, well done, Barbara, good scribing, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2017
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I feel so sorry for kids with bad parents, who use children for their own ends, I guess the problem is, although they have feelings for the child, their own gratification is more important. I was one of them, God changed that, and my children and marriage became my priority, young lives are so important. Dear Shana' has feelings for Anderson, I think, and putting herself in danger to alleviate problems in the custody battle for Emily, well done, Barbara, good scribing, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 06-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.
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Welcome
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Oh dear, Shana is trying to be kind thinking she will jeopardise Anderson's chances to get custody of his daughter, but she is only making things worse for herself. She hasn't learned yet, what I have, that Anderson is quite capable of looking after himself. Another excellent part, my friend, well done, and congrats of getting your ranking at last!!! :) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2017
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Oh dear, Shana is trying to be kind thinking she will jeopardise Anderson's chances to get custody of his daughter, but she is only making things worse for herself. She hasn't learned yet, what I have, that Anderson is quite capable of looking after himself. Another excellent part, my friend, well done, and congrats of getting your ranking at last!!! :) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 06-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from light
I don't know what Shana was thinking, but it shows her character that she does want Anderson to lose custody of his daughter. I hope she goes back where she is safe.
Always enjoy your writing.
Elaine
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2017
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I don't know what Shana was thinking, but it shows her character that she does want Anderson to lose custody of his daughter. I hope she goes back where she is safe.
Always enjoy your writing.
Elaine
Comment Written 06-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Barbara, Christ, why would she just leave? How stupid is that? but on the other hand she just doesn't believe she's in any danger. Oh dear! Can't wait to reading on. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2017
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Hi Barbara, Christ, why would she just leave? How stupid is that? but on the other hand she just doesn't believe she's in any danger. Oh dear! Can't wait to reading on. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 06-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Those darn women and their snap decisions, always doing something without first considering all the consequences. And you can't tell them anything. Calm down, don't work yourself into a tizzy, I'm only teasing. LOL! Thanks for sharing another fine chapter :-)
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2017
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Those darn women and their snap decisions, always doing something without first considering all the consequences. And you can't tell them anything. Calm down, don't work yourself into a tizzy, I'm only teasing. LOL! Thanks for sharing another fine chapter :-)
Comment Written 06-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from dweigt
This is very good. I like how you are developing the subplot of the custody battle and linking it to your main story.
Just a few minor items for your consideration:
Anderson glanced around. "Where are the dogs?" He glanced at the back elevator. -- repetition of "glanced" too close together. A little distracting.
Over coffee and fresh muffins, Anderson explained to his custody lawyer everything that had happened up to this point. After he finished, he asked, "Will this have any effect on me getting custody of Emily?" -- I like how you summarize the conversation, rather than writing it out for us. But I'm always on the lookout for places to lose a few words, and I think there is more fat to trim here. The phrases "up to this point" and "after he finished" can be assumed and add nothing. Consider something like -- Over coffee and fresh muffins, Anderson explained to his custody lawyer everything that had happened. "Will this have any effect on me getting custody of Emily?"
If we could prove more incidences -- should be incidents.
Keep writing!
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2017
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This is very good. I like how you are developing the subplot of the custody battle and linking it to your main story.
Just a few minor items for your consideration:
Anderson glanced around. "Where are the dogs?" He glanced at the back elevator. -- repetition of "glanced" too close together. A little distracting.
Over coffee and fresh muffins, Anderson explained to his custody lawyer everything that had happened up to this point. After he finished, he asked, "Will this have any effect on me getting custody of Emily?" -- I like how you summarize the conversation, rather than writing it out for us. But I'm always on the lookout for places to lose a few words, and I think there is more fat to trim here. The phrases "up to this point" and "after he finished" can be assumed and add nothing. Consider something like -- Over coffee and fresh muffins, Anderson explained to his custody lawyer everything that had happened. "Will this have any effect on me getting custody of Emily?"
If we could prove more incidences -- should be incidents.
Keep writing!
Comment Written 06-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2017
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Thank you for the kind review. I appreciate the suggestions and corrections have been made.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Oops, she got away--hopefully not too far or maybe finding her is part of the story. Well written. Have a good week, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2017
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Oops, she got away--hopefully not too far or maybe finding her is part of the story. Well written. Have a good week, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 06-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Yes thus is well written my friend Shana is trying to do what is best for Anderson this will lead to so many things I can not wait to see the next chapter unfold well done I enjoyed regards Jill
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2017
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Yes thus is well written my friend Shana is trying to do what is best for Anderson this will lead to so many things I can not wait to see the next chapter unfold well done I enjoyed regards Jill
Comment Written 06-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
What a horrible mother! All he needs is to show what the child's life is like and he's sure to win custody. Shana's trying to help, and maybe she's right. He should set her up in a safe apartment somewhere.
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2017
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What a horrible mother! All he needs is to show what the child's life is like and he's sure to win custody. Shana's trying to help, and maybe she's right. He should set her up in a safe apartment somewhere.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2017
reply by the author on 11-Feb-2017
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Thank you for the kind review.