Wilderness Redemption Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Makin' Plans"Shenanigans on the frontier
16 total reviews
Comment from Bill Schott
This story is magnetic. I am stuck to it both due to the idea that we're getting a deeper, older story about Roseanna's past, and the vernacular endears the characters and the situations to the reader.
Just to be picky, because you have written so much, the necessity for revision is constant. You are 50/50 for placing a comma before the party of a direct address:
Thunderation(,)Pa!
As I said, half the time you do and half not.
I question, though it's not wrong for any reason, the need to spell 'what' or 'was' differently, as your spelling to form the sound you want, 'whut' and 'waz', has no effect on how they're pronounced, that I can see. Wow! That was a long sentence.
Really enjoy these adventures as told by your venerable narrator.
wuz
Well....Yeah."
with a shopping basket under arm.
reply by the author on 02-May-2019
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This story is magnetic. I am stuck to it both due to the idea that we're getting a deeper, older story about Roseanna's past, and the vernacular endears the characters and the situations to the reader.
Just to be picky, because you have written so much, the necessity for revision is constant. You are 50/50 for placing a comma before the party of a direct address:
Thunderation(,)Pa!
As I said, half the time you do and half not.
I question, though it's not wrong for any reason, the need to spell 'what' or 'was' differently, as your spelling to form the sound you want, 'whut' and 'waz', has no effect on how they're pronounced, that I can see. Wow! That was a long sentence.
Really enjoy these adventures as told by your venerable narrator.
wuz
Well....Yeah."
with a shopping basket under arm.
Comment Written 01-May-2019
reply by the author on 02-May-2019
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I appreciate you pointing out the comma issue. I use the alternative spelling to show authentic frontier jargon. I'm glad you're enjoying then, I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work.
Comment from bhogg
I'll save the spag spotting for some others. There was a pretty good bit, nothing too awful. I'd make a more global observation about narrative. You do a good job of driving your story with lively dialog, but it would help to flesh out your narrative more. You're writing about a period of time that many don't know, so more description of place and people. You've got a pretty good story going here. Bill
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2019
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I'll save the spag spotting for some others. There was a pretty good bit, nothing too awful. I'd make a more global observation about narrative. You do a good job of driving your story with lively dialog, but it would help to flesh out your narrative more. You're writing about a period of time that many don't know, so more description of place and people. You've got a pretty good story going here. Bill
Comment Written 30-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2019
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Thank you, your review put me over the top for recognition. I'm working on fleshing out my narrative, it's been pointed out that i need to "show" not tell. I appreciate you taking the time to rea and review my work. Hint: there are 6 other chapters if you're interested.
Comment from brenda faye curtis
I've gone back and read all chapters, and this is an interesting story you are developing. I like the character development so far, and the only thing I'd like more of is descriptions of the character's physical aspects. It would help me feel they were a little more real as people.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2019
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I've gone back and read all chapters, and this is an interesting story you are developing. I like the character development so far, and the only thing I'd like more of is descriptions of the character's physical aspects. It would help me feel they were a little more real as people.
Comment Written 29-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2019
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Point taken. I'm working on trying to "show" more than "tell". I'm glad you have enjoyed the story so far. I appreciate taking the time to read and review my work.
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I enjoy your work, and look forward to more.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Earl, I do believe it's the first I've read of the story, and I like it. It's a great story line, great imagery and yeah, I think it describes the period is written in very well. All the best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2019
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Hi Earl, I do believe it's the first I've read of the story, and I like it. It's a great story line, great imagery and yeah, I think it describes the period is written in very well. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 29-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2019
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Thank you Ulla. You ought to check out the rest of the chapters so far. I'm glad you weren't to lost to enjoy it.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Nice storyline with good strong characters. The dialogue was excellent. I couldn't find a thing wrong with it. Read very well. I hope you have a wonderful day. Shirley
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2019
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Nice storyline with good strong characters. The dialogue was excellent. I couldn't find a thing wrong with it. Read very well. I hope you have a wonderful day. Shirley
Comment Written 29-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2019
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Thank you very much Shirley. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from TheStoryMan
This is a very well written and interesting chapter. I don't think it's a good idea for either Doolittle or Roseanna should be going with Smythe anywhere, especially Shawnee territory.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2019
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This is a very well written and interesting chapter. I don't think it's a good idea for either Doolittle or Roseanna should be going with Smythe anywhere, especially Shawnee territory.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2019
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You're right it's not a good idea, stay tuned for further developments. Thank you for the kind words.
Comment from LaFrance
Hi Earl, another great chapter full of a lot of storylines, which I enjoyed jumping from one time period to another. I enjoy reading the different dialogues you use.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2019
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Hi Earl, another great chapter full of a lot of storylines, which I enjoyed jumping from one time period to another. I enjoy reading the different dialogues you use.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2019
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Thank you very much, I'm glad you're enjoying them. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from LaRosa
I loved the breaking into scenes that bounced back in time and space to tell the big picture.
Good job, there.
You have me wanting to catch-up. I tend to keep reviewing the 'friends' I keep. :) and so fall way out on following the front page.
I'm especially interested in the fun character intro's of people who do and who do not swim! Got my curiosity!
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2019
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I loved the breaking into scenes that bounced back in time and space to tell the big picture.
Good job, there.
You have me wanting to catch-up. I tend to keep reviewing the 'friends' I keep. :) and so fall way out on following the front page.
I'm especially interested in the fun character intro's of people who do and who do not swim! Got my curiosity!
Comment Written 27-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2019
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Thank you very much, I'm glad you're enjoying them. The swim thing is explained in Chapters 1 and 2. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
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great, will go back and check it out
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Earl Very delightful and information packed chapter here. It's as if you caught everything up to date in this one.
Good images, my friend: Like: "Godfrey pulled out a sack which was obviously heavy with coins the way it jingled. It made a small thud when he tossed it on the table. Clancy's eyebrows arched and he let out a low whistle when he saw the sack." (perfect)
Suggestions: "Doo started blushed and found himself tongue tied." (Leave started out of this)
And never start a sentence off with either "suddenly" or in this case "Just then....."
Also: "......the lodge and took a seat opposite from Swooping Eagle." (leave the word "from" out. You don't need it, Earl.
One more thing: You have taken the narative away from the first speaker and somehow have gotten in Swooping Eagle's head, like here: "That makes some sense, Swooping Eagle thought." You are switching from first person to more than one all of a sudden. If you like you could say "Swooping Eagle said, "that makes some sense."
Good job, Earl. I await your next chapter. Bob
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2019
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Hi, Earl Very delightful and information packed chapter here. It's as if you caught everything up to date in this one.
Good images, my friend: Like: "Godfrey pulled out a sack which was obviously heavy with coins the way it jingled. It made a small thud when he tossed it on the table. Clancy's eyebrows arched and he let out a low whistle when he saw the sack." (perfect)
Suggestions: "Doo started blushed and found himself tongue tied." (Leave started out of this)
And never start a sentence off with either "suddenly" or in this case "Just then....."
Also: "......the lodge and took a seat opposite from Swooping Eagle." (leave the word "from" out. You don't need it, Earl.
One more thing: You have taken the narative away from the first speaker and somehow have gotten in Swooping Eagle's head, like here: "That makes some sense, Swooping Eagle thought." You are switching from first person to more than one all of a sudden. If you like you could say "Swooping Eagle said, "that makes some sense."
Good job, Earl. I await your next chapter. Bob
Comment Written 27-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2019
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Thank you Bob, I'm glad I'm improving on my "show" rather than just "telling" It's reviewers like you who are going to turn me into a great writer. I made the corrections you pointed out.
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I will help you as much as possible, my friend. Bob
Like I have said all along...you will be better off to just continue your story (or book) with straight diction and do away with the "hillbilly drawl" You will lose nothing as far as authenticity goes, believe me. Your friend, Bob :)
Comment from aryr
A very enjoyable chapter Earl. It sure sounds like the Indians will be getting
their revenge, The poor Roseanna doesn't realize she is being set up and neither does Doolittle. Great job, full of adventure and details.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2019
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A very enjoyable chapter Earl. It sure sounds like the Indians will be getting
their revenge, The poor Roseanna doesn't realize she is being set up and neither does Doolittle. Great job, full of adventure and details.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2019
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Thank you very much, I'm glad you're enjoying them. Stay tuned for further deveIopments. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
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most welcome