The French Letter
Viewing comments for Chapter 90 "The Akond of Swat"A Novel
30 total reviews
Comment from Halfree
I have some probs with the story...good story line being dragged down by a flow of words and description. For example...languid arm...wow. Why not plain ol' arm.
"Cusp of my body..."does not do much. Maybe he just walls softly to her and gently hugs her.
I have been trying to read your postings but I keep getting bogged down in a cascade of words. In the Christian bible the words "Jesus wept.." tells a lot with those two words.
I think you have a great story line that is being smothered by a cascade of words and descriptions,
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reply by the author on 22-Oct-2019
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I have some probs with the story...good story line being dragged down by a flow of words and description. For example...languid arm...wow. Why not plain ol' arm.
"Cusp of my body..."does not do much. Maybe he just walls softly to her and gently hugs her.
I have been trying to read your postings but I keep getting bogged down in a cascade of words. In the Christian bible the words "Jesus wept.." tells a lot with those two words.
I think you have a great story line that is being smothered by a cascade of words and descriptions,
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2019
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I appreciate your candour, Halfree. I shall bear your comments in mind when I undertake the final edit. There must be several parts that would benefit from being expressed more simply. All good wishes, Tony.
Comment from Pantygynt
What makes me think they are going to lose those precious passes somewhere alonbg the line?
I was gripped here by the travelogue feel of this episode. It made me want to go there and get the feel of the country for myself. I think you are goiung to have a mammoth editing task with this when you eventually reach that stage and have to find some kind of unity for the book as a whole. Still, that lies a long way ahead and this is as intriguing as the earlier French section was but for a different reason. In France it was the villains that held my imagination, here on thePakistan/Afghanistan border it is the topography, and no doubt soon it will be the meteorology that grips me.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2019
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What makes me think they are going to lose those precious passes somewhere alonbg the line?
I was gripped here by the travelogue feel of this episode. It made me want to go there and get the feel of the country for myself. I think you are goiung to have a mammoth editing task with this when you eventually reach that stage and have to find some kind of unity for the book as a whole. Still, that lies a long way ahead and this is as intriguing as the earlier French section was but for a different reason. In France it was the villains that held my imagination, here on thePakistan/Afghanistan border it is the topography, and no doubt soon it will be the meteorology that grips me.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2019
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Thanks, Jim. I?m not sure how I?m going to handle the final edit. It may come down to restructuring this as two separate novels. Anyway, for the time being, I shall press on regardless and see if I can contrive at least one satisfactory ending.
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Yours is the sort of case where FanStory reaction can be a very helpful guide. What you are considering, the possibility of two books emerging, might well be the way to go and that leads to thoughts of a trilogy with Charles and Helen as the intrepid duo.
Whichever way you decide to go you have some splendid material to use and a heroine who is Anglo Pakistani is the way to go in these multi ethnic times.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
This was an incredible part, Tony, very well written, loads of lovely imagery, and leaving us wondering if they will be trapped in the tunnel now the heavy snow has begun. The hoopoe is such a lovely bird to see, we had them when we lived in Spain. I read the part out to Graham where Helen told us the bird was evil. NO WAY! They are too beautiful to be evil! lol. Well done, my friend, another excellent part to the story. If I can't get the internet onboard the ship, I'll catch up when we return from holiday. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2019
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This was an incredible part, Tony, very well written, loads of lovely imagery, and leaving us wondering if they will be trapped in the tunnel now the heavy snow has begun. The hoopoe is such a lovely bird to see, we had them when we lived in Spain. I read the part out to Graham where Helen told us the bird was evil. NO WAY! They are too beautiful to be evil! lol. Well done, my friend, another excellent part to the story. If I can't get the internet onboard the ship, I'll catch up when we return from holiday. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 22-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2019
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Thanks, Sandra. I may have been a bit harsh on the poor hoopoe. Someone else told me that it is the national bird of Israel. I appreciate the sixth star. All good wishes, Tony.
Comment from Ricky1024
This was well written and rich in Theme and Imagery.
It read well and Flowed well with no Grammar Issues as well.
...
Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned Perfectly.
Thanks,
Doctor Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2019
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This was well written and rich in Theme and Imagery.
It read well and Flowed well with no Grammar Issues as well.
...
Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned Perfectly.
Thanks,
Doctor Ricky 1024
Comment Written 22-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2019
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Thanks, Doctor Ricky. I appreciate your response to this chapter. All good wishes, Tony.
Comment from JudyE
Hi Tony. Very little to report this time. Enjoy your week.
"How gloriously refreshing," Helen said as she got out - should there be a comma after 'said'?
The clear, mountain water sparkled in the sunlight as they swirled around fallen boulders and scree - Either make 'water' plural or 'as it swirled around'
She tightened her grip, and I could feel the rigidity of her body pressed against mine, "I'm not good with heights. At this rate we'll be lucky to reach Chitral." - period after 'mine', comma after 'rate'
Cheers
Judy
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2019
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Hi Tony. Very little to report this time. Enjoy your week.
"How gloriously refreshing," Helen said as she got out - should there be a comma after 'said'?
The clear, mountain water sparkled in the sunlight as they swirled around fallen boulders and scree - Either make 'water' plural or 'as it swirled around'
She tightened her grip, and I could feel the rigidity of her body pressed against mine, "I'm not good with heights. At this rate we'll be lucky to reach Chitral." - period after 'mine', comma after 'rate'
Cheers
Judy
Comment Written 22-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2019
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Thanks, Judy. Appreciated, as always. All changes made. All the best, Tony
Comment from Sankey
A very informative and geographical read. tuk tuks- now I know where they got their name, thanks. Not sure of the following part sentence??they swirled around fallen boulders and scree. Not doing in both accounts anymore as we approach our exit on paid accounts. Pinny2 will keep an eye on your stuff.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2019
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A very informative and geographical read. tuk tuks- now I know where they got their name, thanks. Not sure of the following part sentence??they swirled around fallen boulders and scree. Not doing in both accounts anymore as we approach our exit on paid accounts. Pinny2 will keep an eye on your stuff.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2019
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Thanks, Geoffrey, for your review, editing suggestion, and sixth star. All very much appreciated, as always. Best wishes, Tony.
Comment from Mistydawn
I hope they don't get trapped in the tunnel. I imagine that's going to the most tedious six miles of their life. It'll probably seem 106. The chapter is well-written, interesting. I love the little love scene in the beginning, how old lover-boy was hoping for more. The part about the snow made me giggle. She's right he got what he deserved, lol. I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2019
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I hope they don't get trapped in the tunnel. I imagine that's going to the most tedious six miles of their life. It'll probably seem 106. The chapter is well-written, interesting. I love the little love scene in the beginning, how old lover-boy was hoping for more. The part about the snow made me giggle. She's right he got what he deserved, lol. I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2019
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Thanks. Mistydawn, I appreciate your continued interest and involvement with my story. All good wishes, Tony.
Comment from lyenochka
Wow! I feel like you've given us a tour. Seems like you have been there and you know everything from the cultural things of the prayer calls as well as the remote mountainous areas and how rough the roads get. Great post! I feel sorry for the poor hoopoe. It's been voted the national bird of Israel.
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2019
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Wow! I feel like you've given us a tour. Seems like you have been there and you know everything from the cultural things of the prayer calls as well as the remote mountainous areas and how rough the roads get. Great post! I feel sorry for the poor hoopoe. It's been voted the national bird of Israel.
Comment Written 22-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2019
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Thanks for your comments about this chapter, Helen. Most affirming, especially as I?ve never been to this part of the world. All the best, Tony.
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
You did a great job with this chapter, Tony. I was engaged from start to finish. There is much to like about this chapter: the great descriptions of the scenery, the description of the morning, the dialogue, the intense travel to get to Chitral--those mountains would not be my friend riding in a bus, the conversations with and about those in the bus, and the drama of getting the exit pass. Thanks for sharing. Respectfully, Jan
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reply by the author on 22-Oct-2019
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You did a great job with this chapter, Tony. I was engaged from start to finish. There is much to like about this chapter: the great descriptions of the scenery, the description of the morning, the dialogue, the intense travel to get to Chitral--those mountains would not be my friend riding in a bus, the conversations with and about those in the bus, and the drama of getting the exit pass. Thanks for sharing. Respectfully, Jan
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 21-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2019
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I appreciate your very supportive comments about this chapter, Jan. Most affirming. All good wishes, Tony
Comment from MissMerri
I can find nothing in this story to criticize Tony. It is interestingly written, has believable dialogue, abundant details that paint clear pictures of the scenes and carry the reader along to the end. I enjoyed reading it very much. Keep going. MM
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2019
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I can find nothing in this story to criticize Tony. It is interestingly written, has believable dialogue, abundant details that paint clear pictures of the scenes and carry the reader along to the end. I enjoyed reading it very much. Keep going. MM
Comment Written 21-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2019
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Very many thanks for your continued encouragement and for the sixth star, which is great validation. Best wishes, Tony.