Comment from Sandra Montanino

Excellent

I can see that you are an accomplished novelist and currently hold the number 4 spot ranking. That's extremely impressive, so perhaps my suggestion won't matter. I believe you have a good story here, but I think you should savor each topic a bit more. Recall some memories that lingers in each scene a bit more. Your chapter moves a bit fast. But like I said, you are the accomplished novelist.

 Comment Written 31-May-2019

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reply by the author on 01-Jun-2019

Many thanks for reading and responding to this chapter, Sandra. I appreciate your comments about the depth. I'm very much a rookie novelist - this is my first attempt - and I am feeling my way to find a good balance between reflection and action. Some of the earlier chapters tend to be more reflective. Don't be fooled by the rankings! They are based more on frequency of posting and the breadth of one's fan base than on quality! I always appreciate constructive input and honest opinion when it is offered. Best wishes, Tony

Comment from Jannypan (Jan)

Excellent

I enjoyed this chapter, Tony. I like the way Helen and Charles are back together and should work well together. The line from the man in line "We thought you died in there," was great. But it could have happened. Charles was right to think that something might have happened to Helen when eh returned, and she wasn't there. Thanks for sharing. I see many possibilities for more chapters form the facts in this one. Jan

 Comment Written 31-May-2019

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reply by the author on 01-Jun-2019

Many thanks for reading and responding to this chapter, Jan. As always, I appreciate your comments and opinions. Best wishes, Tony

Comment from robyn corum

Excellent

Tony,

Nice chapter here. Nothing to really remark on negatively as far as the writing is concerned. Always a well-crafted feast, of course. *smile*

Only one tiny, tony note:
--> 'homophobic'= having or showing a dislike of or prejudice against homosexual people. Do you mean 'misogynistic'?

Thanks a bunch!



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 Comment Written 31-May-2019

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reply by the author on 01-Jun-2019

Thanks, Robyn, both for the review and the catch. You are quite right about homophobic. A particularly careless blunder on my part - particularly as Helen has already been shown to have lesbian tendencies. She would have taken instant offence. Misandrous is the adjective I should have used, indicating contempt for, or prejudice against males.

Comment from Alex Rosel

Excellent

I haven't read many in the sequence of episodes for this, but from what I have read, you have the basis of a good story. On the whole, your narrative pulls the plot along in timely fashion.

Here are a few points you might like to consider:

All that was left for him was a house echoing with memories and his Cocker Spaniel, Biggles. -- I love this description. It's evocative. However, maybe refer to Biggles as their Cocker Spaniel, I think this will emphasize Ian's loss and garner greater reader sympathy.

***

After delving for a handkerchief to wipe an unaccustomed tear from my eye, I blew my nose loudly then, grasping the table with both hands, pushed my chair back and rose to my feet. I think this is an example of where you may improve your authorial voice.

First, when writing first-person narrative, be careful of unnecessary pronouns. You don't need from my eye here. It's implied it's your eye.

Second, you wouldn't wipe a tear away from your foot, for example, so eye is redundant. Unless a departure from the norm is being described, don't qualify what is the normal. Again, it's implied.

Similarly, you wouldn't raise to your head, so my feet is redundant.

I think a much stronger sentence here would be something like:
After delving for a handkerchief to wipe an unaccustomed tear away, I blew my nose loudly, grasped the table with both hands, pushed my chair back and rose.

In itself, there's little wrong with your original sentence. But if your entire book is written in a similar tenor, it tends to make the narrative a laborious read.

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I like the paragraph starting with, As he pulled away, I heard a commotion behind us. It's a nice narrative diversion; succinct and detailed.

Hydrophobic. -- I love that word. You've used it to define your character through their speech :)

She paused and searched deep in[to] my eyes for her answer. -- spag?

This time, when we raised and clinked our glasses, not a drop was spilled. -- A nice culminating sentence.

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 Comment Written 31-May-2019

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reply by the author on 01-Jun-2019

Thanks very much, Alex. I found this review particularly helpful. It reminds me to be more vigilant in excising redundancy from my writing. Your suggested version is a great improvement. All the best, Tony