Wilderness Redemption Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Makin' Plans"Shenanigans on the frontier
16 total reviews
Comment from Gail Denham
I understand there are more chapters - so I'm coming in the middle. There are many good idioms and good dialog. A few misspelling, but that's an editing part.
What stops me a bit is the quick changing back and forth - altho I could follow the story.
My opinion is that more transitions from one scene to the other is needed.
The other thing is the entrance of women into these happenings. I think there might be more resistance to them being involved.
But these are just my opinions. You have a good feel for story-telling. Good luck
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2019
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I understand there are more chapters - so I'm coming in the middle. There are many good idioms and good dialog. A few misspelling, but that's an editing part.
What stops me a bit is the quick changing back and forth - altho I could follow the story.
My opinion is that more transitions from one scene to the other is needed.
The other thing is the entrance of women into these happenings. I think there might be more resistance to them being involved.
But these are just my opinions. You have a good feel for story-telling. Good luck
Comment Written 27-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2019
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Thank you very much, I'm glad you're enjoying them. If you read previous chapters you'll see the women have proven themselves, that doesn't mean they won'y meet with resistance down the line. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
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Thanks for your explanation. I do realize this is only part of the story.
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Thanks for your explanation. I do realize this is only part of the story.
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Doo [started] blushed and found himself tongue tied.
That is the kind of [courag] which is needed on this trip, could [ ?] convince him to go?" [2 spags]
Interesting chapter Earl. I almost forgot about this one. I found a couple of spags. They have probably been discovered before me, but just in case I wanted to mention them. Will Roseanna get to accompany them into the wilderness? More than likely I would say. Not everybody had a grandmother with such interesting stories. LOL Well done. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2019
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Doo [started] blushed and found himself tongue tied.
That is the kind of [courag] which is needed on this trip, could [ ?] convince him to go?" [2 spags]
Interesting chapter Earl. I almost forgot about this one. I found a couple of spags. They have probably been discovered before me, but just in case I wanted to mention them. Will Roseanna get to accompany them into the wilderness? More than likely I would say. Not everybody had a grandmother with such interesting stories. LOL Well done. Nancy:)
Comment Written 27-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2019
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Will Roseanna go to the wilderness? Will the Shawnees get justice? Will Doo learn to swim? All these questions and more will answered in future chapters of Wilderness Redemption Road. Thank you for reading and reviewing my work.
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I enjoy it.
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Only the Shadow knows. HAHAHA
Comment from Sally Law
Yep, this is a long one, but mighty good, Earl. It looks like Doo is going to Ohio, albeit one way. I read this out loud and did all the voices, my afternoon entertainment. This was delightful and I enjoyed it very much, albeit long. Long doesn't bother me. Meaty and good.
All my best,
Sal :+)
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2019
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Yep, this is a long one, but mighty good, Earl. It looks like Doo is going to Ohio, albeit one way. I read this out loud and did all the voices, my afternoon entertainment. This was delightful and I enjoyed it very much, albeit long. Long doesn't bother me. Meaty and good.
All my best,
Sal :+)
Comment Written 26-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2019
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Will Roseanna go to the wilderness? Will the Shawnees get justice? Will Doo learn to swim? All these questions and more will answered in future chapters of Wilderness Redemption Road. Thank you for reading and reviewing my work.
Comment from robyn corum
Earl, (3)
This is a fine story, and it looks like you have the makings of a real intriguing plot going. But I'll warn you that long chapters like this may turn off some of your best reviewers.
I don't know if I've told you before or not, but I learned the hard way that posts between 750-1200 words are gonna get you the most reviews -- and that's what we are here for, right? Remember, if someone can read a tiny poem for .52 (or more!) --OR-- a post of over 2100 words (like this) which do you think they'll choose?
AND if the post requires any help or editing... do you think they will devote as much time to it as it needs? You do yourself an in justice with longer posts, unless you plan to ensure they are PERFECT.
As you'll see below, I spent a loooong time here, and I'm not really sure how many folks will do that. And I still didn't mention everything I saw. It may cost you more money, but it will serve you better in the long run - in several ways - first, you'll earn more readers from shorter pieces, You'll get higher quality reviews, and you'll gain more fans for your story when you leave people wanting more.
With all that said, here are some notes for you:
1.) The font is really small
2.) I'm not sure how Roseanna is supposed to be able to tell this story (in retrospect) from the men's perspective - and from all these different angles. That doesn't work so well for me. Not making complete sense, really - how she would know all the thoughts and feelings of all these various men, right?
3.) I do like all the various characters, but I am not sure it works as being told from her perspective.
4.) if yore gittin' bored go chop some wood for the stove.(")
5.) Roseanna(,) satisfied that law and order had been restored to the front porch(,) settled back in her rocker.
6.) "Just what I said(,)Doolittle, I'm not throwing
7.) Hell(,) you didn't even show up
8.) "But (P)a, the Shawnees wuz after me(.) I had to abandon everything
9.) "Good afternoon(,) Mr. Carter."
--> set off peoples' names with commas
10.) "Howdy(,) Doo."
--> won't mark anymore of these, but go through post and correct
11.) Doo started blushing and found himself tongue tied.
--> did he START blushing or did he blush?
12.) "Why(,) certainly."
13.) Roseanna placed the two sacks in her shopping basket,
--> curious what size sacks these are. Back in the day, they sold these in pretty large bags....
14.) he entered the village. Shawnees came out to stare as he walked through the center of the village.
--> you say 'the village' two times right close together. Can you change one to something like the 'small group of dwellings' or 'line of buildings' or etc?
15.) his way to the big community house in the center of the village,
--> this time I think 'village' can just be deleted
16.) Fox hoped the chief was in a good mood(.) Injuns is such notional folks(,) he thought.
17.) A tall warrior stepped from the (structure) followed by another warrior
--> delete the second 'warrior'
--> exchanging 'house' since you already used it.
18.) Fox stopped about 10 feet from the two warriors.
--> spell out all numbers ten and below
19.) He raised his open hand,
--> He raised an open palm
20.) still and made no move to return the sign(.)
21.) Might as well open the ball. (???)
22.) He (re)entered the conversation.
23.) "Come in and sit, we will trade(.)"
24.) "Why me?" asked Clancy Sinclair(.)
25.) of the Crowing Rooster. Smoke hung heavy in the hair.
--> the hair or the air?
26.) It's Smyth(e), with a long (i) sound."
27.) "Whutever, whut yore asking is a suicide mission(.)"
28.) "I'm sorry(.) I thought I was talking to the bravest man on the frontier."
29.) "You are(,) Smith."
"It's Smythe(,) you barbarian.(")
--> by now, I don't know who's talking
30.) He shall pay for that action later.
--> this is head-hopping. You can't be in two heads at the same time. Right now, you're telling the story from the character of Clancy - so you're in Clancy's head. You can't all of a sudden jump into Smyth's head - it confuses the reader. You have to stay in the same head for a whole scene or chapter
31.) That is the kind of courage is what will be needed on this trip, do you think you could convince him to go?"
--> a bit garbled
32.) "And just why would you be needing my son for this venture, Smythe(?)" Angus McCallister asked.
33.) "I'll personally guarantee her safety(,) sir(. S)he'll be well
protected(.) I plan on taking a lot of men on the expedition.
34.) "You ain't going to like it(no space),Doo, but unless
35.) Both (nodded) their heads in agreement with Jamie.
Looks like you've got a great thing going and I look forward to seeing more. Hope this helps -- good luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2019
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Earl, (3)
This is a fine story, and it looks like you have the makings of a real intriguing plot going. But I'll warn you that long chapters like this may turn off some of your best reviewers.
I don't know if I've told you before or not, but I learned the hard way that posts between 750-1200 words are gonna get you the most reviews -- and that's what we are here for, right? Remember, if someone can read a tiny poem for .52 (or more!) --OR-- a post of over 2100 words (like this) which do you think they'll choose?
AND if the post requires any help or editing... do you think they will devote as much time to it as it needs? You do yourself an in justice with longer posts, unless you plan to ensure they are PERFECT.
As you'll see below, I spent a loooong time here, and I'm not really sure how many folks will do that. And I still didn't mention everything I saw. It may cost you more money, but it will serve you better in the long run - in several ways - first, you'll earn more readers from shorter pieces, You'll get higher quality reviews, and you'll gain more fans for your story when you leave people wanting more.
With all that said, here are some notes for you:
1.) The font is really small
2.) I'm not sure how Roseanna is supposed to be able to tell this story (in retrospect) from the men's perspective - and from all these different angles. That doesn't work so well for me. Not making complete sense, really - how she would know all the thoughts and feelings of all these various men, right?
3.) I do like all the various characters, but I am not sure it works as being told from her perspective.
4.) if yore gittin' bored go chop some wood for the stove.(")
5.) Roseanna(,) satisfied that law and order had been restored to the front porch(,) settled back in her rocker.
6.) "Just what I said(,)Doolittle, I'm not throwing
7.) Hell(,) you didn't even show up
8.) "But (P)a, the Shawnees wuz after me(.) I had to abandon everything
9.) "Good afternoon(,) Mr. Carter."
--> set off peoples' names with commas
10.) "Howdy(,) Doo."
--> won't mark anymore of these, but go through post and correct
11.) Doo started blushing and found himself tongue tied.
--> did he START blushing or did he blush?
12.) "Why(,) certainly."
13.) Roseanna placed the two sacks in her shopping basket,
--> curious what size sacks these are. Back in the day, they sold these in pretty large bags....
14.) he entered the village. Shawnees came out to stare as he walked through the center of the village.
--> you say 'the village' two times right close together. Can you change one to something like the 'small group of dwellings' or 'line of buildings' or etc?
15.) his way to the big community house in the center of the village,
--> this time I think 'village' can just be deleted
16.) Fox hoped the chief was in a good mood(.) Injuns is such notional folks(,) he thought.
17.) A tall warrior stepped from the (structure) followed by another warrior
--> delete the second 'warrior'
--> exchanging 'house' since you already used it.
18.) Fox stopped about 10 feet from the two warriors.
--> spell out all numbers ten and below
19.) He raised his open hand,
--> He raised an open palm
20.) still and made no move to return the sign(.)
21.) Might as well open the ball. (???)
22.) He (re)entered the conversation.
23.) "Come in and sit, we will trade(.)"
24.) "Why me?" asked Clancy Sinclair(.)
25.) of the Crowing Rooster. Smoke hung heavy in the hair.
--> the hair or the air?
26.) It's Smyth(e), with a long (i) sound."
27.) "Whutever, whut yore asking is a suicide mission(.)"
28.) "I'm sorry(.) I thought I was talking to the bravest man on the frontier."
29.) "You are(,) Smith."
"It's Smythe(,) you barbarian.(")
--> by now, I don't know who's talking
30.) He shall pay for that action later.
--> this is head-hopping. You can't be in two heads at the same time. Right now, you're telling the story from the character of Clancy - so you're in Clancy's head. You can't all of a sudden jump into Smyth's head - it confuses the reader. You have to stay in the same head for a whole scene or chapter
31.) That is the kind of courage is what will be needed on this trip, do you think you could convince him to go?"
--> a bit garbled
32.) "And just why would you be needing my son for this venture, Smythe(?)" Angus McCallister asked.
33.) "I'll personally guarantee her safety(,) sir(. S)he'll be well
protected(.) I plan on taking a lot of men on the expedition.
34.) "You ain't going to like it(no space),Doo, but unless
35.) Both (nodded) their heads in agreement with Jamie.
Looks like you've got a great thing going and I look forward to seeing more. Hope this helps -- good luck!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2019
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Wow, Robyn, you really went through the chapter. I know it's long and i've debated about writing smallee chapters. I did go through and make corrections you pointed out.
Sugar and flour were sold out of barrels and could be put in any size sack needed.
Start the ball, was a way of saying lets get this going.
Roseanna isn't exactly telling the story from the men's perspectives, that's being done through flash backs.
This is my first attempt at a multi-tiered story and trying to get everybody's perspective in is challenging.
The font is times roman 16 and it looked ok when i posted it.
I appreciate you going through and finding the editing points I missed.
Comment from Sugarray77
I enjoyed reading this Earl. The flow of the story is good and keeps the reader interested. You have divided up the different scenarios in a good way so that we are not confused. Great story line and character development. I would mention that the following needs to be edited.
Smoke hung in the 'air'
Well done,
Melissa
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2019
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I enjoyed reading this Earl. The flow of the story is good and keeps the reader interested. You have divided up the different scenarios in a good way so that we are not confused. Great story line and character development. I would mention that the following needs to be edited.
Smoke hung in the 'air'
Well done,
Melissa
Comment Written 26-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2019
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Will Roseanna go to the wilderness? Will the Shawnees get justice? Will Doo learn to swim? All these questions and more will answered in future chapters of Wilderness Redemption Road. Thank you Melissa for reading and reviewing my Work. I made that correction.
Comment from lyenochka
Well this is really entertaining but it seems to be a patchwork of different things happening with different people at different times. It makes it hard to follow but I liked the dialogue.
"Swooping Eagle Pondered on this awhile." (pondered) lowercase.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2019
|
Well this is really entertaining but it seems to be a patchwork of different things happening with different people at different times. It makes it hard to follow but I liked the dialogue.
"Swooping Eagle Pondered on this awhile." (pondered) lowercase.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Apr-2019
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2019
-
Will Roseanna go to the wilderness? Will the Shawnees get justice? Will Doo learn to swim? All these questions and more will answered in future chapters of Wilderness Redemption Road. Thank you for reading and reviewing my work. I made the correction you pointed out.