Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 90 "Chapter Achtundzwanzig Part eins"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
24 total reviews
Comment from Shanbreen
Nice plot. It seems to go forward at a nice pace.
There are some things, however, that I feel need some reckoning. For example, wouldn't Shana show some emotions at first meeting Patricia whom she had never met before? Shana, however, just makes a nonchalant comment:
"He's not here right now. When he gets home, I'll tell him you want to speak to him."
Then again
"No. She doesn't need you to stay. You're only hired help anyway. We can share Drew stories, right, dearie?"
However bitter and a messed up person Patrician might be, would she say"You are only a hired help?" Seems a bit unnatural to me. But that's my opinion.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2018
  |
Nice plot. It seems to go forward at a nice pace.
There are some things, however, that I feel need some reckoning. For example, wouldn't Shana show some emotions at first meeting Patricia whom she had never met before? Shana, however, just makes a nonchalant comment:
"He's not here right now. When he gets home, I'll tell him you want to speak to him."
Then again
"No. She doesn't need you to stay. You're only hired help anyway. We can share Drew stories, right, dearie?"
However bitter and a messed up person Patrician might be, would she say"You are only a hired help?" Seems a bit unnatural to me. But that's my opinion.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2018
-
Thank you for the kind review. Yes, Patricia would. Shana has never met Patricia before, but the reader has. Shana is very formal and has heard all about Patricia.
Comment from judiverse
Oh, what a time for Patricia to show up. That should be fun. She has a high and mighty attitude. She refers to Oscar as just the hired help. Wouldn't blame Shana if she had Oscar escort her out. This should make for an interesting development. Maybe Patricia will still be there when the dogs arrive. I bet they don't like her. Great characterization, and this new angle keeps things moving. judi
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2018
 |
Oh, what a time for Patricia to show up. That should be fun. She has a high and mighty attitude. She refers to Oscar as just the hired help. Wouldn't blame Shana if she had Oscar escort her out. This should make for an interesting development. Maybe Patricia will still be there when the dogs arrive. I bet they don't like her. Great characterization, and this new angle keeps things moving. judi
Comment Written 13-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2018
-
Thank you for the kind review. Things will happen.
-
You're very welcome. It's clear why Drew didn't want to be married to Patricia. judi
Comment from apky
The story has taken a leap forward in this chapter, and one that holds the reader's interest.
I can't wait for the next post to find out how Shana and Patricia get along - or not get along. At least it promises to be another interesting chapter.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2018
|
The story has taken a leap forward in this chapter, and one that holds the reader's interest.
I can't wait for the next post to find out how Shana and Patricia get along - or not get along. At least it promises to be another interesting chapter.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2018
-
Thank you for the kind review. Patricia will cause trouble.
Comment from giraffmang
And now the ex turns up... that should prove interesting. lol
"Sure do. I try to put up enough vegetables for the winter months. - need closing speech marks here.
Would Papa really disown me?" - delete the marks from the end here.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2018
|
And now the ex turns up... that should prove interesting. lol
"Sure do. I try to put up enough vegetables for the winter months. - need closing speech marks here.
Would Papa really disown me?" - delete the marks from the end here.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2018
-
Thank you for the kind review. I changed both of those at the last minute and forgot to correct everything. I appreciate the help.
Comment from royowen
I wonder what Patricia has to discuss with Shana, and indee how will Shana, I suspect Shana shall come out of the encounter covered with Rose's balm. Everybody suspects that that Shana and Drew are more attached then either know. I loved the reference to Lear's daughter. Excellent job, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2018
|
I wonder what Patricia has to discuss with Shana, and indee how will Shana, I suspect Shana shall come out of the encounter covered with Rose's balm. Everybody suspects that that Shana and Drew are more attached then either know. I loved the reference to Lear's daughter. Excellent job, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 12-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2018
-
Thank you for the kind review.
-
Welcome Barbara
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi, Barbara,
It is so hard for Shana to keep up the walls around her heart. I wonder if Drew would consider converting to Judaism?
Loved the scene with Drew back in a suit. There is little doubt of how Shana feels.
Looking forward to more,
patty
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2018
|
Hi, Barbara,
It is so hard for Shana to keep up the walls around her heart. I wonder if Drew would consider converting to Judaism?
Loved the scene with Drew back in a suit. There is little doubt of how Shana feels.
Looking forward to more,
patty
Comment Written 12-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2018
-
Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from tfawcus
A chapter that's laden with authentic dialogue. I like the way you place the tags strategically to emphasise the natural pauses in a speech. I am beginning to get a better feel for each of the characters from the way they speak and what they say. There's good development of character through dialogue.
Just a few things that you might like to consider:
" ...King Lear disowns his beloved daughter. Of course, when I did, how was I to know I'd meet Drew." [This came across as a bit of a non sequitur. Did you mean 'when this happened to me' rather than 'when I did'?]
Would Papa really disown me?" [No need for the closing speech mark after the italicised thought]
she put the book in her room and proceeded to the kitchen. ['proceeded' is a bit heavy here... 'went' might be better.]
At the penthouse, I was told not to answer the door. Does that hold true here? She shook her head. "Of course not, there are plenty of security men outside. Besides why would a bad guy knock?" [Here you have the first part of the thought in italics and the second part in normal print with inverted commas. Both parts need to be in italics.]
"Yes, Ma'am," said Oscar, the security team leader, as he held a female's arm. "This lady says she knows Mr. Sharp." [Not sure about the 'as' here. Maybe break this into two sentences?]
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2018
|
A chapter that's laden with authentic dialogue. I like the way you place the tags strategically to emphasise the natural pauses in a speech. I am beginning to get a better feel for each of the characters from the way they speak and what they say. There's good development of character through dialogue.
Just a few things that you might like to consider:
" ...King Lear disowns his beloved daughter. Of course, when I did, how was I to know I'd meet Drew." [This came across as a bit of a non sequitur. Did you mean 'when this happened to me' rather than 'when I did'?]
Would Papa really disown me?" [No need for the closing speech mark after the italicised thought]
she put the book in her room and proceeded to the kitchen. ['proceeded' is a bit heavy here... 'went' might be better.]
At the penthouse, I was told not to answer the door. Does that hold true here? She shook her head. "Of course not, there are plenty of security men outside. Besides why would a bad guy knock?" [Here you have the first part of the thought in italics and the second part in normal print with inverted commas. Both parts need to be in italics.]
"Yes, Ma'am," said Oscar, the security team leader, as he held a female's arm. "This lady says she knows Mr. Sharp." [Not sure about the 'as' here. Maybe break this into two sentences?]
Comment Written 12-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2018
-
Thank you for the kind review. I appreciate the help. I have made the corrections.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
So a new character appears... Drew's ex! I guess she's safe enough. Wonder what she wants. More money from Drew? That's my guess, but it could be anything.
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2018
|
So a new character appears... Drew's ex! I guess she's safe enough. Wonder what she wants. More money from Drew? That's my guess, but it could be anything.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 13-Aug-2018
-
Thank you for the kind review. Patricia showed up once at the penthouse, plus a phone call.
Comment from c_lucas
I think Drew's EX. will get more than she bargained for. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. There is good imagery.
Error
Do you can?" (care)
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2018
|
I think Drew's EX. will get more than she bargained for. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. There is good imagery.
Error
Do you can?" (care)
Comment Written 12-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2018
-
I meant canning as in canning vegetables. I will see what I can do to make it clearer. Thank you for the kind review.
-
That makes sense.
Comment from Ulla
Hi, Barbara, it must bee a bit of a shock for Shana to be face to face with Drew's ex-wife, but she seems to be prepared to take her on.
" I enjoy gardening. My parents always have a large one. Do you can?" What do you mean: 'Do you can'? Can do what?
Well, I'm looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla:)))
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2018
|
Hi, Barbara, it must bee a bit of a shock for Shana to be face to face with Drew's ex-wife, but she seems to be prepared to take her on.
" I enjoy gardening. My parents always have a large one. Do you can?" What do you mean: 'Do you can'? Can do what?
Well, I'm looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment Written 12-Aug-2018
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2018
-
It's canning as in canning vegetables. I think I need to make an adjustment on that. Thank you for the kind review.