Perennials of War
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Chapter One part Eine"Is Anderson a gallant knight? Can he recover Shan
40 total reviews
Comment from djsaxon
Interesting set, up and we are left wanting to read more.
holding (the handle of) a black satchel in her right hand.
Shana opened her purse, (searched) and found a ten-dollar bill. (, and placed it on the table.) "This should cover the coffee."
She stood (on the sidewalk) and fingered her Star of David necklace.
The driver gave her a once-over glance and smiled. Um - this doesn't work. If I leapt into a random vehicle I think the driver would offer me more than a 'once-over' glance. Cheers - DJ
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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Interesting set, up and we are left wanting to read more.
holding (the handle of) a black satchel in her right hand.
Shana opened her purse, (searched) and found a ten-dollar bill. (, and placed it on the table.) "This should cover the coffee."
She stood (on the sidewalk) and fingered her Star of David necklace.
The driver gave her a once-over glance and smiled. Um - this doesn't work. If I leapt into a random vehicle I think the driver would offer me more than a 'once-over' glance. Cheers - DJ
Comment Written 08-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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The man driving the Jaguar is very cocky. I am hoping it works later. Thank you.
Comment from skylnn-writes
The beginning is intriguing. I am wondering where this story is leading.
The ending was left italicized as if it were still her thoughts, and there were just a couple grammatical errors. It just needs some revising.
All in all, this story is sounding really nice.
Hope I helped :)
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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The beginning is intriguing. I am wondering where this story is leading.
The ending was left italicized as if it were still her thoughts, and there were just a couple grammatical errors. It just needs some revising.
All in all, this story is sounding really nice.
Hope I helped :)
Comment Written 08-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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I would love to know where it needs editing. I will gladly edit, it I know what. Your review did NOT help.
Comment from DonandVicki
Your writing is always so suspenseful , I like the way that you leave the reader hanging at the end of the chapter. I want to read more.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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Your writing is always so suspenseful , I like the way that you leave the reader hanging at the end of the chapter. I want to read more.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Sis Cat
Excellent opening chapter of a suspense/mystery novel involving Nazi-stolen Jewish artwork. I like your use of italicization to show Shana's thoughts. These flow smoothly to your passages of dialogue, descriptions and back.
Effective and vivid use of action describing Shana being stalked by three strange men in New York. Not only do I see the men in hot pursuit of Shana, I feel for her safety. Why are they following her? It is best to climb into a Jaguar stopped at a traffic light and ask questions later.
This is a thrilling opening which engaged me with your breezy prose, dialogue, thoughts, and action.
Thank you for sharing. I look forward to your next installment of an important work.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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Excellent opening chapter of a suspense/mystery novel involving Nazi-stolen Jewish artwork. I like your use of italicization to show Shana's thoughts. These flow smoothly to your passages of dialogue, descriptions and back.
Effective and vivid use of action describing Shana being stalked by three strange men in New York. Not only do I see the men in hot pursuit of Shana, I feel for her safety. Why are they following her? It is best to climb into a Jaguar stopped at a traffic light and ask questions later.
This is a thrilling opening which engaged me with your breezy prose, dialogue, thoughts, and action.
Thank you for sharing. I look forward to your next installment of an important work.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the encouraging review.
Comment from Sasha
Terrific start. Already plenty of intrigue and a smidgen of fear. Who are these men and why are they following her. Definitely got my interest and anxiously wait for the next chapter.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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Terrific start. Already plenty of intrigue and a smidgen of fear. Who are these men and why are they following her. Definitely got my interest and anxiously wait for the next chapter.
Comment Written 08-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from dweigt
Great start. You drop your main character into the thick of things quickly, and I like that. Just a few minor suggestions:
Watch the comma usage. There are a few extras here and there.
You have Shana speaking out loud to herself. I would avoid that in most cases. If you don't want to use more interior monologue and italics, consider just telling us what she is thinking. Shana couldn't afford those prices, and she wondered why people paid so much.
I was a little confused about the man buying the brownie in the restaurant. I went back and reread to be sure it wasn't one of the three following her. Is this just to show that Shana is attractive?
Jumping into the stranger's car is an unexpected move, but I like it. Still, I think you need to make the three followers more ominous, the threat more overt, to make this move believable.
Also, the driver's reaction should start with surprise, possibly a bit of anger and apprehension. His first thought might be a carjacking or robbery. Going straight to the "once-over glance" doesn't seem plausible.
Great start!
Keep writing!
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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Great start. You drop your main character into the thick of things quickly, and I like that. Just a few minor suggestions:
Watch the comma usage. There are a few extras here and there.
You have Shana speaking out loud to herself. I would avoid that in most cases. If you don't want to use more interior monologue and italics, consider just telling us what she is thinking. Shana couldn't afford those prices, and she wondered why people paid so much.
I was a little confused about the man buying the brownie in the restaurant. I went back and reread to be sure it wasn't one of the three following her. Is this just to show that Shana is attractive?
Jumping into the stranger's car is an unexpected move, but I like it. Still, I think you need to make the three followers more ominous, the threat more overt, to make this move believable.
Also, the driver's reaction should start with surprise, possibly a bit of anger and apprehension. His first thought might be a carjacking or robbery. Going straight to the "once-over glance" doesn't seem plausible.
Great start!
Keep writing!
Comment Written 07-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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I was wondering about the reaction from the driver myself. I had a person edit for me, and that person added it. I kept it in. As for the commas, I have a few comma Nazis that will take care of them for me, I usually end up adding a ton of them. LOL As for the italics, I had an editor remove some in one of my previous novels. I try very hard not to tell a story.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
How creepy. This is a great start to draw the reader in. Lots of suspense. I hope the car driver isn't with the others following her. I don't think I would like New York. Goos first chapter, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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How creepy. This is a great start to draw the reader in. Lots of suspense. I hope the car driver isn't with the others following her. I don't think I would like New York. Goos first chapter, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 07-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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I think the driver will end up being a good guy. LOL Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from emptypage
Nice start!! I'm into it already. I'll fan you so I can see what is to come.
You wrote, " I recommend our pasties." Unless this is a stripper joint, I think you want and "r" in there: "pastries." Yes?
Also, sometimes, even though she is alone, your protagonist speaks aloud, right? I ask because her thoughts are in italics, as they should be, but in the second paragraph where she says, "Wow! I could never afford that." You use quotation marks. If this is a thought, and not spoken, you'll want to italicize, as with the other thoughts. If, however, she speaks them aloud, the quotation marks are appropriate.
I seldom read romance. Not certain why I chose to read this. But now I'm glad I did. Keep it up.
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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Nice start!! I'm into it already. I'll fan you so I can see what is to come.
You wrote, " I recommend our pasties." Unless this is a stripper joint, I think you want and "r" in there: "pastries." Yes?
Also, sometimes, even though she is alone, your protagonist speaks aloud, right? I ask because her thoughts are in italics, as they should be, but in the second paragraph where she says, "Wow! I could never afford that." You use quotation marks. If this is a thought, and not spoken, you'll want to italicize, as with the other thoughts. If, however, she speaks them aloud, the quotation marks are appropriate.
I seldom read romance. Not certain why I chose to read this. But now I'm glad I did. Keep it up.
Comment Written 07-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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LOL I'm laughing at my typo. Only could I turn a G post into a PG13. LOL Thank you for catching it. My romance are not normal romances. I will check the other area.
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I typo-ed my sentence mentioning your typo. LOL.
Comment from Ric Myworld
The numbers of stolen art rises every day as the bands of professional thieves increase, cashing in on a lucrative business. Thanks for sharing another fine chapter and I look forward to following along for the ride. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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The numbers of stolen art rises every day as the bands of professional thieves increase, cashing in on a lucrative business. Thanks for sharing another fine chapter and I look forward to following along for the ride. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 07-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
What a great start! Now, has she jumped out of the frying pan into the fire, I ask myself! Who is this man she's now with? Could he be an innocent at the traffic lights? If so, he is now a part of the mystery with the three men in dark suits and glasses. I'm delighted to be reading your story from the beginning, I think this is going to be exciting! :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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What a great start! Now, has she jumped out of the frying pan into the fire, I ask myself! Who is this man she's now with? Could he be an innocent at the traffic lights? If so, he is now a part of the mystery with the three men in dark suits and glasses. I'm delighted to be reading your story from the beginning, I think this is going to be exciting! :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 07-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2016
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Thank you for the encouragement, coming from you, it's extra special.