New York's Best: the NYDOE
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "NYCDoHD Spells Jobs"A Musical in One Act
26 total reviews
Comment from judiverse
You might as well call this a two-act play. That's where it's heading. I'd suggest reining in some of Zachary's longer speeches, especially the one starting "In your deepest heart." There might be some interruptions from those waiting, as Kincade has clearly lost control. Good place for a Kincade song: "Have I lost my edge? Am I getting soft?" I'm thinking maybe a screen with visuals, like of the stained glass, would add to the effect as Zachary is describing his various "occupations." Don't let your characters get out of hand. judi
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2022
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You might as well call this a two-act play. That's where it's heading. I'd suggest reining in some of Zachary's longer speeches, especially the one starting "In your deepest heart." There might be some interruptions from those waiting, as Kincade has clearly lost control. Good place for a Kincade song: "Have I lost my edge? Am I getting soft?" I'm thinking maybe a screen with visuals, like of the stained glass, would add to the effect as Zachary is describing his various "occupations." Don't let your characters get out of hand. judi
Comment Written 05-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2022
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I realize I run the risk of Zachary getting out of hand. He is a powerful voice and I know some reviewers are getting tired of him. About the screen with visuals ... I don't know how that would work on a stage setting. This is one time I wish Lobber would jump in with suggestions on what works and what doesn't. He's had extensive experience behind the scenes. I agree a Kincade song is needed (and Pomelover sent me a beauty just today)! The problem is that the lyrics need melodic accompaniment, and the final product would need the sheet music to go with it. You don't know anyone who reads/writes musical MSs. do you? Judi, thank you so much for your suggestions on this!
Comment from amahra
Zachary is the funniest character I've read from you] You have great humor, Jay, I really enjoyed this scene. Poor Mr. Kincade. :))
You might guess, Mr. Patiperro, there's little demand for cowboys in the city.[LOL!]
And so ... I was off to Japan.[LOL!]
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2022
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Zachary is the funniest character I've read from you] You have great humor, Jay, I really enjoyed this scene. Poor Mr. Kincade. :))
You might guess, Mr. Patiperro, there's little demand for cowboys in the city.[LOL!]
And so ... I was off to Japan.[LOL!]
Comment Written 05-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2022
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You seem to have picked up on Zachary's timing. He's a difficult character to write, and he keeps demanding more time. Meanwhile the play keeps getting longer and longer. Bless you for your six stars, Amahra, and more valuable that those accolades is the fact that you like my characters. I'm so blessed to have you aboard!
Jay
Comment from Spitfire
This would be a wonderful entry for the WD contest. I sense there is a deep connection between Kincade and Zachary. I also see religious overtones as in reference to stained glass, the sea, fisherman, Pope. I love it when Zachery smells the sea-to me that's a sign his father's spirit is watching over him.
I'm anxious to see where this is going. I got a little lost with the reference to the Pampas.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2022
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This would be a wonderful entry for the WD contest. I sense there is a deep connection between Kincade and Zachary. I also see religious overtones as in reference to stained glass, the sea, fisherman, Pope. I love it when Zachery smells the sea-to me that's a sign his father's spirit is watching over him.
I'm anxious to see where this is going. I got a little lost with the reference to the Pampas.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2022
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With the pampas, I was trying to connect Zachary's job, as gaucho on the Pampas, to the early western cowboy on the sprawling "range" ... and both of them with the sea and the sailor. Thank you for your deep read!
Jay
Comment from susand3022
I was just thinking about that very thing, Jay. I was going to say, you can't really write a play, divide it into as many scenes as you want, and still call it a One Act play... can you? Why not a Two or Three Act play? You're getting to a lot of scenes. LOL
Susan :)
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2022
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I was just thinking about that very thing, Jay. I was going to say, you can't really write a play, divide it into as many scenes as you want, and still call it a One Act play... can you? Why not a Two or Three Act play? You're getting to a lot of scenes. LOL
Susan :)
Comment Written 05-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2022
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Well, when I first started out, I thought it wouldn't go any further than 3 scenes. Don't forget, this was originally adapted from a three act format with a home Act where his father comes a'callin' to inform him his mother had died and a lot of struggle with his father ensues, and then a final Act when he returns back to the NYCDoHD for his next appointment, only to find Mr. Kincade had quit to pursue a life inspired by Zachary ... which left a position open for Zachary. In that format, the play would have required the audience to be seated for about two days.
Thank you, as usual for your astute suggestions.
Jay
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Well, a 2-day play? I never even knew all that about this play. I must have missed a huge beginning!
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No, what you're reading today has been a hugely extrapolated Act one of what was a thin, but long, three-act play.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I loved this part, and our Mr Kincade deserves a medal! Of course he had to see it to the end. Lol. This is a fabulous comedy script, and I'm sure audiences will love it. Zachary is just lovely, cuddlesome, you want to take him home and give him lots of hugs. He's a great character and will definitely steel the show, with poor Mr Kincade coming a close second. He has the patience of a saint. I'm really enjoying this play, it's fabulous. Well done. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2022
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I loved this part, and our Mr Kincade deserves a medal! Of course he had to see it to the end. Lol. This is a fabulous comedy script, and I'm sure audiences will love it. Zachary is just lovely, cuddlesome, you want to take him home and give him lots of hugs. He's a great character and will definitely steel the show, with poor Mr Kincade coming a close second. He has the patience of a saint. I'm really enjoying this play, it's fabulous. Well done. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 05-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2022
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Again, you don't know how important your words are to me, Sandra. Your encouragement fuels me through the rough patches, and there are many, trying to get the music to work. You can save your sixes for other worthy people. Just come and sweet talk me like you do. That's enough for me!
Jay
Comment from Pam (respa)
You do a good job with the discussion between Zachary and Mr. Kincaid, Jay. I get the feeling they are trying to understand one another, but Mr. Kincaid, in particular, isn't sure why. For some reason he is drawn to Zachary.
Zachary reminds me of the dreamer. His connection to his father seems to be one of admiring from afar and wishing he might have had more actual connection with his father. As a result, Zachary seems to be the wandering sort whose goals flip flop depending on the situation. A good example is how he talks about being on the Pampas and later shifts to making stained glass.
For some reason Mr. Kincaid is drawn to all of this!
Well done.
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2022
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You do a good job with the discussion between Zachary and Mr. Kincaid, Jay. I get the feeling they are trying to understand one another, but Mr. Kincaid, in particular, isn't sure why. For some reason he is drawn to Zachary.
Zachary reminds me of the dreamer. His connection to his father seems to be one of admiring from afar and wishing he might have had more actual connection with his father. As a result, Zachary seems to be the wandering sort whose goals flip flop depending on the situation. A good example is how he talks about being on the Pampas and later shifts to making stained glass.
For some reason Mr. Kincaid is drawn to all of this!
Well done.
Comment Written 05-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 05-Dec-2022
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You are perspicacious as usual, Pam. You caught my intention with the two characters. If you have a chance, read the review SusanD3022 left me and my response to it (rather than repeat it anew for you). It explains what my true intention was with the 3-act format, and why I had to fall short in this rendition. Anyway ... only if you have the time. Thank you, Pam, for reading this as such depth.
Jay
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You are very welcome, Jay, and thank you for sharing in your reply. I will look at the review.
Comment from Liz O'Neill
Nice imagery. It even is a bit onomatopoetic:
"I herded the fattest and laziest cattle that ever nibbled the lush grassland at the base of the Andes." I like the metaphor: "it was exquisitely expressed through the mosaic nature of stained glass." Good job
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2022
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Nice imagery. It even is a bit onomatopoetic:
"I herded the fattest and laziest cattle that ever nibbled the lush grassland at the base of the Andes." I like the metaphor: "it was exquisitely expressed through the mosaic nature of stained glass." Good job
Comment Written 05-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 06-Dec-2022
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I'm glad you liked this, Liz. This was probably the pivotal scene regarding Zachary and Mr. Kincade, who is determined now to see it to the end but doesn't realize his commitment. Thanks for coming aboard and weighing in.
Jay
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***Smile***
Comment from lyenochka
I feel like the real drama is within the soul of Mr. Kincade and it's Zachary who is pulling it out in the open. Zachary's own spiritual journey looking for his father and working as a shepherd, a fisherman, and a stain glass worker all seem to point to a freedom and dedication to one thing that Mr. Kincade gave up on many years ago. I think the long monologue that starts with "In your deepest heart, sir,..." should be in verse whether rhymed or blank verse and that part should be song. Have you ever listened to any Gilbert & Sullivan? This reflection by Zachary calls for a song.
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2022
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I feel like the real drama is within the soul of Mr. Kincade and it's Zachary who is pulling it out in the open. Zachary's own spiritual journey looking for his father and working as a shepherd, a fisherman, and a stain glass worker all seem to point to a freedom and dedication to one thing that Mr. Kincade gave up on many years ago. I think the long monologue that starts with "In your deepest heart, sir,..." should be in verse whether rhymed or blank verse and that part should be song. Have you ever listened to any Gilbert & Sullivan? This reflection by Zachary calls for a song.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2022
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I will consider that, Helen. This is a pretty dramatic scene, I feel, and I don't want to over "sing" it ... but I think you may have something. Thanks so much for the six stars, and the helpful review!
Comment from John Ciarmello
I loved this scene, Jay! It just keeps getting better, as I would expect. I'm happy to see the dialogue heading in the direction of Zachary's father at sea. I would love to see him break out in song about this and his father's elusiveness, perhaps his father being the reason he hasn't stayed in one job position very long. The latter just an observation I didn't read anything conclusive on that.
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2022
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I loved this scene, Jay! It just keeps getting better, as I would expect. I'm happy to see the dialogue heading in the direction of Zachary's father at sea. I would love to see him break out in song about this and his father's elusiveness, perhaps his father being the reason he hasn't stayed in one job position very long. The latter just an observation I didn't read anything conclusive on that.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2022
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You're the second, so far, to think a song was needed in this scene. I'll have to consider it. I'm having some real technical difficulties, though in converting verse to song. I had to sing the song for the second scene myself. Not a pretty picture, but my voice was at least as good as Bob Dylan's with no instrumental background. And he won the Nobel prize! Thanks for reading, John and for your always encouraging words.
Jay
Comment from pome lover
well, I must admit ole Zach is just about to drive me crazy. and Mr. Kincade must either be a nice man with the patience of Job, or a glutton for punishment.
What, I wonder, will scene 6 bring?
I have tried to"sing" my lyrics and am still trying, but haven't found a catchy sound.
Have you found anyone good with music?
Katharine
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reply by the author on 04-Dec-2022
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well, I must admit ole Zach is just about to drive me crazy. and Mr. Kincade must either be a nice man with the patience of Job, or a glutton for punishment.
What, I wonder, will scene 6 bring?
I have tried to"sing" my lyrics and am still trying, but haven't found a catchy sound.
Have you found anyone good with music?
Katharine
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Dec-2022
reply by the author on 04-Dec-2022
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Well, you did hear my attempt at it for scene two. No, I haven't found anyone else who will sing their lyrics, and I'm having trouble converting their intent to a melody.
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how about, addressing the whole FS family - "calling all songwriters. Have lyrics, need melodies. Contest. and we all could chip in if we like them?
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That might be one way to go, Katharine. I'll shake that around a while. You are a dear for hanging in there.
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OMG, I just read your lyrics. We've got to do something!
Jay
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that mean you like them? I hope, I hope
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Oh, my goodness, yes! You haven't read my email?
Jay
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yes! finally found it. muchas gracias!!!