Wilderness Redemption Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Danger Ahead"Shenanigans on the frontier
17 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
Great job with this post, Earl. I like how you built up the conflict in both the parties (Doo's party and the Shawnee group). It's good that Janie told them that key piece of information. Too bad it got them uninvited for supper. They could have become good friends.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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Great job with this post, Earl. I like how you built up the conflict in both the parties (Doo's party and the Shawnee group). It's good that Janie told them that key piece of information. Too bad it got them uninvited for supper. They could have become good friends.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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I had a bad case of writers block. I'll be doing better about posting, I think I'm back into it now. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
I have missed the continued writings on this story. The characters and dialogue seem so real and believable that I get to the end way before I am ready to stop reading. Well done!
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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I have missed the continued writings on this story. The characters and dialogue seem so real and believable that I get to the end way before I am ready to stop reading. Well done!
Comment Written 27-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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I had a bad case of writers block. I'll be doing better about posting, I think I'm back into it now. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from BethShelby
This is interesting I've read enough of this story to want to know what will be happening next. I'm glad the Indians decided the wait until the rest of the party crosses the river.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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This is interesting I've read enough of this story to want to know what will be happening next. I'm glad the Indians decided the wait until the rest of the party crosses the river.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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Thank you very much for taking the time to read and review my chapter. I appreciate the five stars.
Comment from poetwatch
Thank you, Earl. :) For a while, I thought you were on a road trip and forgotten about your laptop. I like this western story and been reading and awaiting each chapter. You're a good writer. I hope that you're also a writer that can accept corrections. You have a typo on this line, " Jackie leveling a rifle that was almost was twice as" I know they is talking the language of the age, but clear that up a mite and it will sound much better. :)
Take care, Earl.
Jose
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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Thank you, Earl. :) For a while, I thought you were on a road trip and forgotten about your laptop. I like this western story and been reading and awaiting each chapter. You're a good writer. I hope that you're also a writer that can accept corrections. You have a typo on this line, " Jackie leveling a rifle that was almost was twice as" I know they is talking the language of the age, but clear that up a mite and it will sound much better. :)
Take care, Earl.
Jose
Comment Written 27-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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I had a bad case of writers block, no road trip LOL. I'll be doing better about posting, I think I'm back into it now. I appreciate the tip Jose. I welcome corrections, they make me a better writer. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from royowen
So the company of Doo, Clancy, Mighty Beaver and girl Janie, think that Ezra has done the dirty and sent those rifles with the purveyor of them a man called Smythe, but the Indians are waiting on the other side, and decide the small party is not them, so they decide to wait, well done, Earl, blessings Roy
Typo : the(n) returned it to its quiver, 2: to take his first scal(p)
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reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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So the company of Doo, Clancy, Mighty Beaver and girl Janie, think that Ezra has done the dirty and sent those rifles with the purveyor of them a man called Smythe, but the Indians are waiting on the other side, and decide the small party is not them, so they decide to wait, well done, Earl, blessings Roy
Typo : the(n) returned it to its quiver, 2: to take his first scal(p)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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Thank you very much, Roy, for taking the time to read and review my chapter and the editing tip. I appreciate the five stars.
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Well done
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Most welcome
Comment from lancellot
The writing is fine, but the major problem is this doesn't feel like a stand alone story. It jumps into things as if the reader knows what's going on and who these people are and their relationship to each other. I was confused and kept looking up to make sure I wasn't reading a book chapter. I don't see why the native's dialogue is in bold. The reader knows they aren't speaking English and its being translated.
I didn't sort it all out until I got to the notes. That shouldn't be.
notes:
Doo glanced over and saw Jackie leveling a rifle that was almost (was) twice as long as he was at him.
- delete
- Jack is Jackie and is the son of the Ferryman?
"Boy, you go start supper, I'll deal with you later."
- without context, this line makes it seem like Jackie is Finnerty's son.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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The writing is fine, but the major problem is this doesn't feel like a stand alone story. It jumps into things as if the reader knows what's going on and who these people are and their relationship to each other. I was confused and kept looking up to make sure I wasn't reading a book chapter. I don't see why the native's dialogue is in bold. The reader knows they aren't speaking English and its being translated.
I didn't sort it all out until I got to the notes. That shouldn't be.
notes:
Doo glanced over and saw Jackie leveling a rifle that was almost (was) twice as long as he was at him.
- delete
- Jack is Jackie and is the son of the Ferryman?
"Boy, you go start supper, I'll deal with you later."
- without context, this line makes it seem like Jackie is Finnerty's son.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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I mismarked this, it is a chapter in the book Wilderness Redemption Road. I was pretty sure that when Jackie said, "You let go of my Pa," there would be no question he was the ferryman's son. Thanks for giving it a try.
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Well, I don't know the whole big picture, but a very intriguing story here, sir!! ;) :) Thanx for sharing and good luck with the rest of the story!! ;) Yvette
normal she straightened --> normal, she straightened
Ezra what do --> Ezra, what do
Doo" Finnerty stuttered. --> Doo," Finnerty stuttered.
tell you? Doo asked --> tell you?" Doo asked
Carter you don't --> Carter, you don't
China, I can shoot and --> China! I can shoot, and
Girl, do you --> Girl! Do you
up and then we can --> up. Then we can [a bit run on here...]
here, we can --> here. We can
them there would be many more mules and men, this --> them. There would be many more mules and men. This
front, he's the one --> front? He's the one
arrow the returned --> [did you mean...?] arrow, then returned
Yes, I'm sure --> Yes. I'm sure
well with, Stalking --> well with Stalking
promised rifle outweighed the desire to take his first scal and risking --> promised rifles outweighed the desire to take his first scalp and risk
ferry landing pointed. --> ferry landing point.
pleased?" Stalking Wolf asked. --> pleased?" [need to end the bold italics here to match the rest of the dialogue here] Stalking Wolf asked.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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Well, I don't know the whole big picture, but a very intriguing story here, sir!! ;) :) Thanx for sharing and good luck with the rest of the story!! ;) Yvette
normal she straightened --> normal, she straightened
Ezra what do --> Ezra, what do
Doo" Finnerty stuttered. --> Doo," Finnerty stuttered.
tell you? Doo asked --> tell you?" Doo asked
Carter you don't --> Carter, you don't
China, I can shoot and --> China! I can shoot, and
Girl, do you --> Girl! Do you
up and then we can --> up. Then we can [a bit run on here...]
here, we can --> here. We can
them there would be many more mules and men, this --> them. There would be many more mules and men. This
front, he's the one --> front? He's the one
arrow the returned --> [did you mean...?] arrow, then returned
Yes, I'm sure --> Yes. I'm sure
well with, Stalking --> well with Stalking
promised rifle outweighed the desire to take his first scal and risking --> promised rifles outweighed the desire to take his first scalp and risk
ferry landing pointed. --> ferry landing point.
pleased?" Stalking Wolf asked. --> pleased?" [need to end the bold italics here to match the rest of the dialogue here] Stalking Wolf asked.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 28-Jan-2021
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Thank you for the editing tips, I went back and made correction. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.