CHARACTERS
Reporter: Robert Holmdahl. Mid-thirties. Back in Brady, Texas from New York City where he works for the New York Times. It was but a week earlier that he had been on assignment in Brady to write a human-interest story about the famous Fanny Barnwarmer.
Thomas Maples: Owner and editor of the Brady Sentinal. The first person Fanny met when she moved to Brady, in 1885. Age 89, he is thin and spry, walking without support.
Pastor Rabbins: Pastor of the Brady Baptist Church. Tall man, 6'4" and husky; an imposing figure.

SETTING: Dusk at the Brady Cemetery. DOWN-CENTERSTAGE, a large pile of dirt skirts the edge of a deep, rectangular hole. Alongside the opposite lip of the hole, a wider-than-usual, silver-lidded mahogany coffin rests on the lawn; coiled ropes, pullies, and other paraphernalia are piled at either end. Behind, and covering the remainder of the stage, are tombstones and plots, some new-looking, others, needing attention. As a backdrop, oak trees line the cemetery, and a few are scattered among the plots. A beautiful Texas sunset blazes through the trees (but dims to gray, then black as the scene progresses). DOWNSTAGE CENTER stands a podium. To its side are three chairs.

PLACE/TIME: Brady, Texas, 6:00 PM, Saturday, August 17, 1929.

AT RISE: Pastor Rabbins is at the podium. Thomas Maples and the Reporter sit in the chairs, an empty one, nearest the podium, reserved for the Pastor.

###

PASTOR:
(Clearing his throat, scanning the audience)
It’s good to see so many familiar faces here this evening, as we prepare to send off Brady’s own … Fanny Berneice Barnwarmer …
(looking over at THOMAS MAPLES, his eyes narrowing just for an instant)
… and Juniper Eileen Albright … their journey on this earth completed.
(After a long, mournful-sounding sigh)
As the Pastor for many of you out there, I would be remiss not to tell you that I am opposed—to the depth of my Christian soul—to today’s undertaking.

[THOMAS MAPLES sneaks a smile to the REPORTER]

[Enter UPSTAGE RIGHT, a young—twenty-ish—FANNY AND JUNIPER (see note below), both attired in the purest white, diaphanous gowns. They are within a vaporish glow. For the most part, they wander, hand-in-hand among the graves but occasionally stop to watch the proceedings. They are seen by no one but you.]

PASTOR (Continues):
While I know of nothing in the Good Book which eschews the service I am about to perform … and while it is not forbidden within the federal, state, and our city’s regulations … I know in my heart that God did not intend for two people—particularly not two people who are unrelated to each other—being buried together in the same coffin. I’m sorry, my brethren, but that is simply WRONG.

[Some gasps, but also some scattered “Amens” from the unseen audience]

Pastor(Continues):
(With a forced smile, aimed first at THOMAS MAPLES, then at the audience)
Still… as Pastor of the church to which Fanny had been known to attend on occasion, it is my responsibility to include her as one of the lambs in the flock I am here to shepherd. As for Juniper Albright … she could not be faulted for not attending services, having been detained elsewhere for some forty years.
(Throwing up his hands and tilting his head as though in defeat)
And so … here we are. I shall say a few words of earnest prayer over these two souls and then turn over the podium to Thomas Maples, who may be able to educate us—me, at least—as to the moral … rectitude of today’s double-barreled burial.

[General laughter]

[FANNY AND JUNIPER glance at each other, then slowly make their way to a grassy spot next to the podium where they sit, amidst the foamy waves of their gowns. Their eyes are trained on the PASTOR and they respond appropriately to his various comments.]

PASTOR (Continues):
(Closing his eyes)
May we all bow our heads. Father. Holy Father. Father of the living and the dead. Only you know who will enter the gates of Heaven and into your Holy embrace. And only you know who will be turned away from the door, unworthy of stepping through. Yours is the Holy Law.
(Beat)
Today the earth offers up two souls. There is nothing I can say of them that you don’t already know and have already judged them by. Lord, you don’t need our petty funeral to help you decide their worthiness. We are not bargaining for their souls. You know this funeral is not for the sake of your Holiness; nor is it for the sake of the departed, Fanny Berneice Barnwarmer and Juniper Eileen Albright; this funeral is for the living—these humble people sitting before me now. May you bless them Lord and enable them to shoulder the burden of their grief here on earth … as we all await our final judgment. I pray this in thy Sweet, Holy Name—in the name of Jeeee-sus I pray—and let us all resound with Aaaaa-men.

[The audience repeats, Amen]

PASTOR (Continues):
Now the rest of this service will be for the celebration of Fanny Barnwarmer’s life. I realize that most of you don’t even know Juniper Albright. She’s been—how can I say this—away. For forty years. Only a few of the eldest of the townspeople have ever seen her. For the youngest of you, this is likely the first time you’ve heard of her. But inasmuch as she is lying beside Fanny Barnwarmer, I invite you who come up to this podium that I’m now vacating, to include a few words about Miss Albright, if you’ve a mind to, along with Fanny Barnwarmer.
(Beat)
And now, Mr. Thomas Maples, I believe you have a few words to start us off with about Fanny Barnwarmer …?

[MAPLES takes his place at the podium, while the PASTOR sits. FANNY and JUNIPER gaze up at him]

MAPLES:
Thank you Pastor Rabbins.
(Smiling, waiting for the gathering of eyes)
Who among you hasn’t heard of Fanny? 
(Chuckling, nodding)
I didn’t think so. If you live in the city, you may have watched one of her twice-weekly acts which she has performed at The Tavern for forty-four years. Even if you hadn’t attended one of her performances, hardly a day passes when someone doesn’t laugh with a friend or neighbor—in the store or barbershop, or even before or after church—over one of her lines. Or maybe something she said altered, just a little, how you looked at the world. Oh, yes, our Fanny helped us lighten our burden with laughter; she made us think about life differently. And because most of the material for her performance was plucked from the pages of the Brady Sentinal, the burdens shouldered by this businessman were lifted almost overnight …
(General laughter)
… with the paper doubling its subscription rates—thank you, Jesus! … and … thank you Fanny.

[With the juxtaposition of Jesus with FANNY, the PARSON glares, and the REPORTER grins, at MAPLES]

MAPLES (Continues):
I believe I was the first person in Brady who met Fanny. She had come to my office to get a copy of the Sentinal. And she waited there reading it until Juniper arrived to get her.
(Releasing a large exhale, he starts and stops a few times before resuming)
I love Fanny. Oh, we all loved Fanny … but I confess …
(Looks past the PASTOR to leave his gaze on the REPORTER, who nods)
I confess, from the first moment I saw Fanny, I loved her in a very personal …

[During the ensuing silence, as the tears well in MAPLES’ eyes, FANNY AND JUNIPER look at each other; and as JUNIPER continues to do so, FANNY unlocks her gaze and lifts it to MAPLES.]

MAPLES (Continues):
Oh, would someone please stop me! I-I-I loved Fanny in a-a heart-fluttering, throat-drying, um … a thoroughly disorienting way. 
(Beat)
But when she was joined, not ten minutes later, by Juniper … and I saw the way they looked at each other … I knew right then that this young warrior had been knocked off love’s stallion, had—without a word from Juniper’s lips—been outmaneuvered, outwitted by this young interloper. 
(Chuckling, throwing up a dismissive hand)
Okay, okay, I’m letting poetry cover up what my reason doesn’t want me to say simply … that Fanny could never love me in the way Fanny loved Juniper. There, I said it.
(Turning to the PASTOR)
And yes, Pastor Rabbins, no two people deserve more to be lying side-by-side through eternity than Fanny Barnwarmer and Juniper Albright. When Fanny told me a week ago that she had altered her will to include a request to be buried alongside Juniper Albright in the same coffin, and she had given me, at that time, complete instructions as to the construction of the coffin, knowing it would take time to have it built, I immediately complied with her wishes. They were to be buried—they ARE to be buried together in that coffin with or without your blessing.

[Without a word PASTOR RABBINS gets up from his chair and exits STAGE LEFT. FANNY and JUNIPER’S eyes meet and still sitting there, they lean into each other and embrace]

 END OF PART II OF THE EPILOGUE